Idle and Disorderly

For a silly young man like I, there is nothing new under the sun. Nothing new: absolutely, apart from the beauties that I keep ogling at every other day when I pass my time sitting here in front of my Muzigo.

  

In fact sometimes I am tempted to think that this country is cursed in all other aspects apart from that aspect of being endowed with amazingly pretty daughters of Eve.

They are so many in this country and they keep swaying their hips within the vicinity of my eyes as if they are not aware that I am largely an idle son of a human being. 

Now that they have failed to recognize that fact, I have also decided to ogle at them until they get some sense in their nuts to know that I am also a human being of idle flesh and hot blood running through my veins.

Look at that one with her boobs, Oh my God! They look like two oranges tucked under her blouse. I am going to whistle to her and summon her for a serious quiz. I should ask her why her father was such a serious joker to have given birth to a lady with such gorgeous boobs.

Ehh, Eehh! Ate see another Madam that is swinging her gyrating bums, like that is all she has to do in this world. I have to beckon her here such that I can find out whether the best thing she can do with her bums is swing them like there is no tomorrow for them.

But then I am supposed to be working at this time not feeding my eyes on the nutritious menu of God’s beautiful creation.

Sometimes I feel like this country is the best that one can ever leave in. Honestly in another country, trust me; I would be in prison by now for being idle and disorderly. But then I am not sure whether that offence exists in the penal statutes of some of those countries.

We can talk n talk but can we do the walk

I believe you have heard that ka song in which some musicians claim mbu some people in this country will talk n talk n talk…and that some people talk but they can’t do the walk? There is a way I believe some of our brothers in the opposition must have been inspired by that ka song to start up that controversial business of walking to work.

But then the talk in this article should have nothing to do with politicians and their walk to work. For that matter let me shift my line of conversation. I am one of the few Ugandans that “can do the walk ”. In other words I can really walk long distances. So the other day I was walking to Kamwokya (though you should not mistake me to be that bad man from Kamwokya). I then received this surprise call from some sweet voice. And so I inquired about who the hell was the owner of such a sweet voice only to be shocked when the voice quickly snapped “Angela”. I also spontaneously replied, “Owewa (where from)?”… and just on the other end of the line again the sweet voice crooned “Nansana.”

Now I know that looks like a naked lie, doesn’t it? And you must be asking that question “Okakasa?” to find out whether I really mean what I am saying. And to that I have no option but to say, “I swear”. Besides, sometimes I simply like to talk n talk n talk paka last. Okay let me shift to another story where I did the walk. The other day I met this other girl whose name is Carolina. Now Carolina is the girl that I went to school with in 1997. And akin to the story of the Carolina that you may have heard, I found this Carolina doing some crude business in the wee hours of the night (Please do not ask me what I was doing at that time of the night because I am not ready to talk n talk n talk about that foolish business). I just want you to listen. Anyway when I expressed my concern over her plight and wanted to assist her and marry her out of her misery ( in other words do the walk down the aisle with her) she simply told me to mind my own business… these days is it called okuwujja one’s kasepiki.

And so I have been trying to okuwujja my kasepiki until some lady recently asked me out. She promised me heaven on earth in terms of love. Honestly I thought I had landed into things (Ngude mu bintu). Naye, not long after that I realized she was simply after my Mafalanga and nothing else. But then luckily enough for the few years I have spent on this planet, I have so far failed to click a healthy relationship with cash and that is how I managed to survive. When I survived I sang for her a verse “muwala nkugude mu oyagala cash olabika tomatira (Oh babe I have realized you are simply after my cash and you do not really love me)”. In other words she could do the talk n talk n talk of love but could not do the walk. Since these days I have heard of “Enkola ya Boda” I simply jumped off that Boda Bee and resumed my usual business of doing the walk.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

Meet Uganda's most profilic striker of the year

This year (2011) has been one of striking in this blessed curse of a country called Uganda. Apart from me I think every Ugandan has in one way of the other participated in a strike the teachers, the doctors, the traders and wanainchi have all striked at one point this year. I will not mention the lecturers of Makere University because that is kind of usual. Thus I have also decided to strike now that the year is drawing to a close lest the year escapes away and goes to wherever it intends to go without me striking. It is not that I want a bigger pay for this stuff that I write or that I have any grievances with my employers. Neither am I going to do this just to murder a few human beings here and there like the various lightening strikes. It is just that I feel like striking.

I want to understand, comprehend and fully appreciate what this whole concept of striking means. Given that my strike will basically be about exploring the satisfaction that there is in striking, this is what I am going to do when my strike finally commences. I will enter my boss's office with a heavy whip and strike some sense into his butt or nut for that matter. After striking him seriously, I will quit the job and look for a job elsewhere. Most likely, few employers will be willing to employ me since jobs are scarce these days. But then, I am not ready to go around begging for jobs when I can force some employers into giving me certain jobs. And one of those employers is none other than Bobby Williamson. I am going to tell him that I want to join the Uganda Cranes and specifically as a striker. If he refuses to allow me into his team, I will threaten him with a serious strike on his nut just to prove to him that I am a no nonsense striker. In other words I will remind him that I am capable of striking him to death if he insists on refusing me to join the team.

Besides as far as I am concerned the strikers of Uganda Cranes are not indispensable people in that squad. But he could also choose not to block me from joining the squad. If he does that, I will ensure that I perfectly do my striking job on the pitch. I will not hesitate to strike our opponents with serious tackles. And if the referee dares to give me a card; yellow or red whatever the case, I will also strike him with a few blows.

I am quite certain that my level of striking ability will raise dust and some players will begin questioning Bobby's acumen for having allowed me into his squad. Because of this, some of his players may decide to deal with the problem by striking and I will also strike them down in return just to remind them that I am a better striker than them. And so when I finally get tired of striking, I will just quit Bobby's team and get back to business as usual. In other words I will call off the strike.

Read about the various strikes that have happened in Uganda in 2011

Teachers Defy Government order continue with strike  

Lightening Strikes 40 pupils 

Be a potbellied hero and dine with the cocoon of eaters

In this country a potbelly represents quite a number of stuff. In some quarters like Katanga a potbelly may just be a symbolic representation of how addicted one is to the bottle or straw for that matter. Yet in some quarters of this country a potbelly is simply a symbol of bullion. So as a citizen of this country each and every one that wants to be identified as a loaded guy needs to curve his way around a potbelly. You either have it or you will be considered a pauper for the rest of your life. By the way it does not matter whether you actually possess obscene amounts of bullion or you are a pauper. As long as you have one, just know that some one out there will be suspecting you of being a loaded guy or big man in this government.

That is why every Ugandan citizen that has a flat tummy and has dreams of ever becoming a hero in this country should by hook or crook develop a potbelly. He should develop one because soon it could be the criteria that will be used to determine who the true heroes of this country are. Yes, I think that that the criteria of having to pick from those that went to the bush to fetch a fundamental change, will soon loose value. For instance I am quite certain that there will come a time when all those that went to that bush have been made heroes and then the focus will turn to those that have used the fundamental change for some constructive purposes. And that is exactly where I believe the potbelly will become the yardstick for determining some of the people that will get hero’s medals in the near future. Obviously it is evident that one of the constructive ways we can use the fundamental change that our brothers brought from the bush is by developing a potbelly.

Otherwise why do you think some of the people that went to the bush have spent most of the time since they left the bush feeding their bellies? It is simply to develop them into recognizable potbellies. Period. But then I am not suggesting that some of you go and stuff yourselves up with all kinds of local brew just to develop a potbelly because a belly that is developed by the sumptuous meals of Serena or Sheraton is surely different from one developed from the over consumption of a local brew like Malwa or Ajono in Katanga. The potbelly that is developed from a generous supply of sumptuous meals is usually proportionate to the large size of the owner whereas that of a Malwa addict tends to appear so huge on the most likely skinny caricature of the owner.

So just in case you always missed out on being declared a hero in this country, it is not all lost. You could try out this method and may be it could become the reason for you to receive a hero’s medal a few years down the road. And that could turn out to be the only opportunity you will ever land in life to dine with the cocoon of eaters in this blessed curse of a nation.

ztiberindwa@gmail.com

Heaven Prayerphone Network

Just in case you are interested in the Heaven Prayerphone Network you have to use one model of phones called "Prayer 311". The batteries of these phones are rechargeable and but with faith which only comes by connecting to the power that flows through the electrons of the word of God (Remember that biblical adage that faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God).

Besides you do not need to purchase any airtime because all that was paid for in kind by Jesus Christ when he shed his own blood on the cross back at Calvary.  For those that need further details on how to use "Prayer 311" you can contact the Holy Spirit whom I am told is in charge of customer care. In other words he is in charge of helping most of us that cannot effectively use Prayer 311 such that we can use this phone to greater effect in getting connected to the network.

One of the most amazing aspects about Prayer 311 is the fact that for ages now, it has always managed to transform those that effectively use the phone into holy people over time. Yet we all know that those that die with this amazing transformation of holiness still evident in their lives always manage to win a fully paid trip to paradise. And later at the end of time they will be rewarded with a crown of glory by the Chief Executive Officer of the Network, God the creator of heaven and earth. Such people are given free citizenship status in his glorious kingdom.

Just in case you had not yet joined this network, I would rather you secured your place on this network now. Fortunately you will not have to struggle with the network by climbing trees, anthills or even peoples' buildings. It is as simple as kneeling down wherever you are and you will be connected.

Yet, above all that is the fact that this network has new concepts in phone networks and is not only "everywhere you go" like MTN Uganda but also "too good" like Airtel Uganda. But even then it is "all about you" like Uganda Telecom and you can "talk paka last" on this network in the manner akin to what you do when you are on Warid Telecom Uganda.

Crushed by crushes

I have been “crushed” so many times that if those incidents had been physical I would be but a deformed piece of dry and flat Atapa (millet bread). Crush number 1 was in my primary school on a daughter on of a Muteso. That girl was so angelic that every time I dozed off in class I would dream holding hands with that beauty and walking down the aisle. But then when I left primary school my dreams were severely shuttered when the world threw her to bounds I could hardly tell.

Yet, the other day, I found her on face book and …oops I had a crush. By that time I was nursing wounds of having been crushed by some gorgeous lady on this planet. Every time that daughter of a Muganda and I bump into each other somewhere in town I would just feel like sleeping because then, I would be assured of sharing the best of moments with her in one or two dreams.

But Even when I was crushed by that daughter of a Muganda, I had been nursing the wounds of a crush inflicted by a daughter of a Musoga at my work place. I had even tied the knot with her. I swear I had even tied the knot with her in that dream that was rudely interrupted by a knock on the door from my neighbor.

That is why I dislike this whole idea of being a bachelor. You could suffer from an endless streak of crushes if you are not careful. And amidst it all, you keep hoping to avenge for the crushes by marrying the ladies responsible for your crushes.

One day you come across a girl with beautiful eyes and you begin seeing a mother of your children in her eyes but before you are done with that you meet another girl with amazing hips. You then vow to your ancestors promising to ensure that those hips give birth to your children come what may. But then before you honor your promise you bump into another with lovely breasts and that is when you decide that your children deserve to be fed on milk from lovely breasts. By that time you have been crushed left, right and centre and wondering when you will get out of that silly world of crushes. But then you remember that you can write an article about all that and so you write it.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

Uganda’s detestable ghosts to vie for political offices

The first time I got really threatened by a ghost was back then when I was still in high school. I was in one of those schools in Jinja and it is called Kiira College Butiki I remember the name of that ghost was Whiteman. Whiteman was the last thing any student could ever desire to meet on the school compound in the wee hours of the night. Some of us feared Whiteman so much that even during those nights when nature called us out so loud we stubbornly refused to answer nature’s call lest Whiteman uses that opportunity to waylay us and inflict damage on our souls. The truth of the matter is that up to now, I do not know whether Whiteman actually existed or some people simply made up this whole thing of Whiteman.

But then though I really feared ghosts like Whiteman so much during my high school days, I no longer fear ghosts as much these days. And the reason is simple; they are so many ghosts around us that it would simply be a waste of time for us to purport to be so scared of them. At first we were told of ghosts that had been recruited in the army. I believe they must have recruited these ghosts to fight Konyi because by then it was hard to perceive that Konyi would be defeated without any supernatural intervention.  Soon we heard of ghosts teaching pupils in UPE schools. But then what is more interesting is that some of the pupils that were purporting to get free education in these schools were also actually ghosts.

Now I am told that some ghosts have even registered as fuel Companies. Can you imagine! So, I will not be surprised if some of these ghosts start running for political posts for example vying to become Members of Parliament. Or even I believe that one of them could end up running for the highest political office in the country. And I have little or no doubt that if a ghost campaigned to become a president in this country, it could easily win the presidential seat. It can easily win the presidential seat because at least it will be assured of winning the votes of its fellow ghosts who I am told sometime constitute a good percentage of the voters in this country. It can then garner a few votes from here and there to beef up its crack support. And surely with that the ghost will end up securing a landslide victory. 

This story is also published in Uganda's No1 weekly the Sunrise newspaper

Get more of these from Zak's Awkward thoughts

From the war drums of Sierra Leone comes an award winning “Memory of Love”

Animatta Forna's first book

Aminatta Forna was born in Glasgow and raised in West Africa or to be precise in Sierra Leone, a country whose pathetic history provided the needed inspiration on which Aminatta depended to publish her award winning book “The memory of love.”

The Memory of love won the prestigious Commonwealth Writers Prize 2011 in the category of the Best Book.

The judges praised The Memory of Love for its risk taking, elegance and breadth.

“It is a poignant story about friendship, betrayal, obsession and second chances and an immensely powerful portrayal of human resilience.” The judges said in praise of the book.

 “The Memory of Love delicately delves into the courageous lives of those haunted by the indelible effects of Sierra Leone’s past and yet amid that loss gives us a sense of hope and optimism for their future.”

Yet that is not just the only Award Winning book that has been written by the triumphant writer from Sierra Leone. Her first book, The Devil that Danced on the Water, was shortlisted for the Samuel Johnson Prize 2003.

the picture of Animmatta Forna

Her novel Ancestor Stones was winner of the 2008 Hurston Wright Legacy Award, the Literaturpreis in Germany, was nominated for the International IMPAC Award and selected by the Washington Post as one of the most important books of 2006. In 2007 Vanity Fair named Aminatta as one of Africa’s most promising new writers.  

Aminatta who leaves in London with her husband has written for magazines and newspapers, radio and television, and presented television documentaries on Africa’s history and art.

The other winner in the competition was Craig Cliff in the category of the Best First Book: A Man Melting

Craig Cliff, a government worker, was born in Palmerston North, New Zealand in 1983. Cliff is a graduate of Victoria University’s MA in creative writing and his short stories and poetry have been published in New Zealand and Australia. His short story 'Another Language' won the novice section ofthe 2007 BNZ Katherine Mansfield Awards.

In Another Language Cliff explores a young narrator’s connection to his Serbian grandfather, his friendship with a Maori boy and the act of stuttering.

His first published collection of short stories, A Man Melting, gathers together his prize-winning and published short stories, as well as some new works. These 18 stories examine all of the big questions of life - birth, infancy, adolescence, violence, parenthood and death.

The judges chose this highly entertaining and thought provoking collection of short stories for their ambition, creativity and craftsmanship.

“Confidently blending ideas that frequently weave outlandish concepts with everyday incidents, the prose is skillfully peppered with social observations that define the world we live in.” The judges extolled the collection.

“The eighteen short stories are truly insightful and amplify many of the absurdities around us, reflecting our own expectations, fears and paranoia on the big questions in life.”

“This book is of the moment, and is rightly at home on a global platform. Cliff is a talent to watch and set to take the literary world by storm.”

The characters in these stories look for ways to reconnect with people and the world around them whilst Cliff examines complex issues such as alienation and belonging.

The winners of the 2011 Commonwealth Writers’ Prize were announced in Sydney in an exciting climax to this year's final programme on 21^st May 2011.

For the last 25 years the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize has played a key role in unearthing new international literary names, bringing compelling stories of human experience to a wider audience.

As highly acclaimed international authors Aminatta Forna and Craig Cliff will follow in the footsteps of some of the biggest names in modern fiction in winning the Prize, including Louis De Bernieres, Andrea Levy, Ian McEwan, and Zadie Smith. 

For the fifth consecutive year the Macquarie Group Foundation, one of Australia’s leading philanthropic foundations, is helping to advance one of the most prestigious literary prizes in the world. With Macquarie’s support the prize has grown to reach more people around the world, encouraging wider reading across a range of Commonwealth cultures and rewarding the rising talent that other prizes often overlook.


Related stories on the Commonwealth Writers Prize


Sierra Leone Story wins Commonwealth Writers Prize

Is the Commonwealth Writers Prize biased?

A night of words, heartbeat and neon lights with the Lantern Meet of Poets

It will be a night of "Words, Heartbeats and Neon Lights" when the the Lantern Meet of Poets hold their fifth Grand Recital on Friday June 10th and Saturday June 11th 2011.

The Lantern Meet of Poets one of Uganda's leading group of poets will treat attendees of the recital to over three hours of poetic verses that are written by various writers that belong to the group. The recitals will run from 6:00pm to 8:00pm at the National Theatre.

Tickets will go for 10 thousand shillings for adults while the students will be required to part with only 5 thousand shillings to attend the show.

The Lantern Meet of Poets started around 2007 when a group of students from Makerere University that were passinonate about poetry decided to come together and form a group that would meet and critic one another's poem.

Lantern Meet of Poets later managed to convince the managemenet of the National Theatre to allow them have bi weekly meetings at the National Theatre for criticing one another's poem on Sunday afternoons from 3:00pm to 6:00pm which culture, they have maintained up to date.

Members always take their pieces to the meetings. The pieces are required to be typed and without the poet's name.

So when poets take their poems to the meeet, the moderator of the meet who is chosen randomly for a particular meet collects all the written pieces. The pieces are then redistributed randomly amongst the memmbers which rules out, to a great extent, the possibility of redistributing to poets their own poems.

Afterwards each and every one that gets a poem will then read the poem and give his or her opinion on the subject matter, style, languange and punctuation of the given poem before other members come in to critic the poem.

Upon satisfactory criticing of the poem, the moderator asks the poet of the piece to come out and give a word or two about the piece. After that, the moderator writes the name of the poet on the piece which is then kept in the archives of the group.

Over the years the Lantern Meet of Poets that was founded by members like Guy Mambo, Edgar Kangere, Jason Ntaro, Kagayi Peter and Ojakol Omerio among others has been growing in number spreading its wings further to harness more talent in the writing of poetry.
The group has been central to the narturing of the writing talent as some writers in the group have gone on to scoop various writing awards in the country and can comfortably attribute their growth as writers to the Lantern Meet of Poets.

The group that boasts of over 50 members most of whom are university students is in the process of publishing its first anthology.

Read more about the Lantern Meet of Poets and their previous recitals

Lantern Meet of Poets a Harbinger of High Culture

Student poetry brings National Theatre to Life

Let the poet come out

Lantern Meet something or other

Map showing location of the Uganda National Theatre

View National Theatre in a larger map

The clash of wishes

If you read newspapers and if all all newspapers around the world are similar to the Ugandan newspapers like the New Vision, then I am sure you have come across articles that have headlines like "Ten things women wish men knew" or "Ten things men wish women knew."

Such articles will then go on to list a barrage of hypothetical wishes of men or women. It is just amazing that women claim that they have never understood how the men function and so do men. But then you keep hearing people getting married, men and women, and you will keep wondering how all this happens despite the purpoted differences between the two sexes.

That is why fools like I have seized reading such articles because they just seem like a bunch of fantasies, by either of the sexes that will never be really satisfied. What matters to me most is to get that daughter of Eve that will really undesrtand my bufoonish stunts and my adamic antics. Similarly I will also try to appreciate her attributes that are supposedly due to the fact that she is a descendant of our grandma Eve. Then, I will place that ring on her finger such that we can seal of this deal or memorundum of undertanding. We shall then leave happily there after and with no need of reading such silly newspaper articles.

This looks like mere fantasy. Right? Yes it is indeed fantasy because there is nothing as sweet to a fool like I as the idea of writing fantasies. There is a way they teleport me from this problematic world and take me to that perfect world where every thing is perfect including the idea of falling in love. The only problem is that that world only exists in my mind and nowhere else on this planet.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

And so what is love?

It may sound like it is childish for a WHOLE 22- year old man to be wondering what the hell the meaning of love is on this planet. But then I would like to beg that before we cast the first stone, let us first examine our selves and find out whether we really understand this madness called love.

Now I know many of you in a bid to understand what love is, have been reading all kinds of articles in newspapers and books sijuyi romantic novels and many more. Yet things never seem to work out when you actually try to love according the rules and regulations in those books. Some of you even go as far as watching and listening to some programs on television and radio just because you want to discover the so called mystery in love or the so called true love but you never click the trick.

And that is why there is every reason for you to stop reading all those other silly things and listen to what I am going to tell you now. To begin with love is not something akin to a commandment or well established principle that is based on some rules and regulations. What works today may never work tomorrow. What works for Tom may not work for Dick and Harry. That is why those books can never give you definite answers.. and neither can those programs on televisions or those seminars you attend in a bid to understand what love is.

All that you do when you do all those things in a bid to understand the complexities of love is trying too hard to understand a simple four lettered word. What I mean is that you are scratching your head too much to understand L-O-V-E which should be a pretty an easy thing to do.

So the conclusion of the matter is that just stop trying so hard. In fact there is no reason why you should. Simply go out there with an open mind, ready to be hurt and make mistakes and let the experience of it teach you how to do it. Obviously at one point you may need to fall back to the books and articles in newspapers to pick a few ideas here and there but even then those ideas should not be taken as rules and regulations. I would rather you took them as guidelines. If you can only do this then there is no doubt that sooner than later you will be the one writing those articles telling people, how the hell they should love their loved ones on this planet. Trust me on this blog we shall have space for you.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

To be or not to be a gentleman

Sometimes I pity daughters of men that dream of meeting gentlemen on this planet. To be sincere there are not so many gentlemen on this planet. Or at least to be specific on this continent that belongs to African sons of men. Obviously some of these ladies more so campus chics will watch some of those actors sijuyi a certain Salvardo or Antonio pulling a chair for a one Barbarita in soaps and then expect African men like I to do such silly things.

For heaven's sake those soaps are acted and ultimately not anywhere near to reality. In reality, some of these ladies will meet silly young but African men like I that do not give a damn about being "gentlemen"

I mean, how can a young man like I that was brought up believing to be superior by default bend as low as pulling chairs for ladies in the name of being a gentleman! I that was bred in a village; where all I could do was sit in manner akin to the proverbial village chief swinging my legs like I owned the world, whistling away and picking my nose when I felt like...I simply cannot. Yet, I can assure you that at one point I shall have some of these young ladies swinging their skirts around my soul and desperately yearning for my hand in marriage.

I know that even when I refuse to take up the exaggerated beliefs of some of these young women for instance those that claim mbu eating with our naked hands is not a classy venture, I shall still have some of them running after my soul.

I am told even some of the extremists among them expect us to use forks and knives as weapons of food destruction when munching things. Kati Honestly, I have never thought of any other method of mercilessly munching a thing like a chicken thigh other than that method that requires the use of my naked hands.

Then, I hear of things like chopsticks. With those ones. I do not think some of us will even ever learn how to use them.

Naye, that is not to say that we cannot pretend to be gentlemen. Obviously as soon as we realize that the only way of netting some of these damsels in this world is by acting to be gentlemen, we shall surely act as perfect gentlemen like some of those actors that they watch on Television. Yet as soon as we net these ladies we shall go back to our old ways after all old habits die hard. Wamma isn't that so all the African men out there that were never born to be gentlemen? And if you feel me and my Jazz simply say aye.

Read Related Article

Be a gentleman
Fundamentals of Good Etiquette

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

When they are single, Christian and heading to hell

"My name is Brother Zakaria Tiberindwa a.k.a Musumba Zaake...My status...umm...deeply hooked to a cantankerously gorgeous babe." Obviously such a powerful intro will be followed by a heavily chorused exclamation of "Ehh Maama!" and loud musings of "Oba who is that ka lucky babe?" from the multitudes that do not know about that thug of a woman that stole my heart.

But then the problem is when it comes to their turn to introduce themselves. You will find brothers that will claim to be "in love with Jesus Christ" and sisters that are "engaged to our lord Jesus Christ." For heaven's sake, we too are "in love with Jesus Christ" but also "deeply hooked to gorgeous daughters of men.” There is a way some of these single brothers and sisters want us to think that they are nearer to God than we are.

We all know that when Jesus comes back he is coming back for his pure and undefiled church. I am quite certain that that will include brothers that are hooked up. He has no plans to take to heaven only single brothers that barely know what the hell they want on this planet; or single sisters that are fantasizing about “engagements” with our lord. 

May be, we would excuse these sisters for dreaming of being engaged to Christ if they were Muslims because at least then we would know that Prophet Issa or the Jesus we know will come at the end of time to get married to one of them since he died a single man like some of them. We would excuse them given that in the world of Muslims it is believed that Prophet Issa will come back to get married.

Yet after giving such fake and silly intros at events, they will then begin accusing and counter accusing one another: sisters clamoring sijuyi "Brothers are SLOW" and brothers grumbling mbu “the sisters are RELUCTANT."

Kati Brothers and Sisters, here is the conclusion of the matter. In this world of unmarried Christians there are two things involved. You are either in a relationship or you are single. If you are in a relationship it is okay but if you are single there are two things involved. You are either single and contended or single and searching/available for the case of our sisters. 

If you are single and contented it is okay but if you are single and searching/available there are two things involved. You either say it openly or you keep fooling us around. If you say it openly it is okay but if you keep fooling us around there are two things involved. You will either become frustrated and shut up when you realize that it is not us that you are fooling but yourself or you will become frustrated and begin blaming the sisters or brothers for your predicament. If you become frustrated and shut up it is okay but if you become frustrated and begin blaming the brothers or sisters for your predicament, there is only one thing involved. You will most likely end up in hell.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria 

Uganda's leading Opposition candidate Dr. Kiiza Besigye could turn out to be a sumptouos sausage

I could not believe it. I swear, I could hardly believe it when Mzee promised to eat our brother Kiiza Besigye and his opposition companions like "Cakes and Samosas." I always thought it is only those burgers in the August House of this country that love eating cake and Samosas but wapi even Mzee enjoys eating some of these things. However what mesmerized me more was the fact that our president also enjoys eating human flesh anti he talked of eating Kiiza Besigye.

Naye..kati...when our dear Mzee Kaguta finally decides to eat Besigye, is he going to just roast him..as in eat him as Nyama Choma or is he going to eat him live...as in raw? He could also decide to have him prepared as a boiled meal of human flesh for him but I would rather he seeks the help of meat experts such that he can have the best out of Besigye's human flesh.

Let him consult them. Other than eating Besigye as raw meat or Nyama Choma or as a meal of boiled source, instead he should seek the help of meat experts such that they can assist him make sausages out of Besigye's human flesh. Honestly, I strongly believe Mzee Yoweri must have had human-flesh sausages in mind when he was talking of eating Besigye like cakes and samosas because we all know that just like those two, sausages are always a breakfast delicacy.

Yet this will also help our dear president stand out. We all know that his ministers and parliamentarians are always munching beef sausages like that is all they have to do during their tenure of office. So how different would Mzee Yoweri Kaguta Museveni be if he also fed on beef sausages just like all the other political burgers of this country? He needs to stand out and there is no better way than for him to be the only man in this country that feasts on human-flesh sausages for breakfast after all he is the only man with a vision for this country.

But again we could also look at the fact that in the recent years Besigye's physical outlook and health has been slowly but surely improving over time and so it is quite wise of Mzee to have thought of eating Besigye at such a time and not earlier when some buffoons in this country accused the innocent man of being HIV positive. I am sure there would be no better opportunity than this to eat Besigye's flesh because at such a moment like this one his flesh would make relatively more sumptuous sausages. Don't you think so?

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

This Article is also published in my weekly column "Zak's Awkward Thoughts" in the Sunrise Newspaper

Besigye could to turn out to be a sumptuous sausage

Tricks of winning Ugandan Voters

You might wonder what pulls the crowds when a politician is "making his points". I have had a lot of fun during the on going campaigns and elections in this country.

In Mbarara, while at a rally, one politician said,"I will build roads for you, I will plant new forests...." and it all seemed like it was not a joke until he broke my lungs with laughter when he deceptively added "I will build dams for you so that you can fish and make your own power." One of the people in the crowd asked,' "We do not have rivers, how will you build the dams?" The politician answered then answered "Even the rivers...i will provide, just give me your mandate.." The Ugandans clapped and eventually gave him votes.

Another scenario, still in western Uganda..some staunch NRM guys convinced people that if they voted for the bus, the bus would be used to ferry the then incumbent candidate in the presidential race, Yoweri Kaguta Museveni away...they did as told. Drama ensued when while tallying..Museveni was winning..they began to fight claiming that they had voted for the bus to ferry Museveni away which turned out not to be the case...

Another stunt that I liked was in Bugerere where there was a Campaign. A young lawyer who was contesting to represent his people in the august house as a Member of Parliament had his game well planned. While at the open air campaigns, the incumbent MP gave his speech and got seated. Now it was the young lawyer's turn...he bravely took stage and with him had a photograph of the incumbent MP dozing in parliament...this was his introduction...you need someone sober for this county...someone who is alert...someone who doesn't doze...one of the people asked..do you have any evidence of anyone who dozed in parliament..the young lawyer could not hesitate but pull out the incumbent MP's photograph...the crowd went in a roar...this was not enough for the incumbent MP. He stood up in rage and went straight to this young contestant and punched him before the public....the public went into a maze and decided not to vote for a chaotic and dozing incumbent MP. The next day, every one lined up to vote for the young lawyer and he won with a landslide...hummm! what a move!

See related Articles on recently concluded Elections in Uganda

Mzee's rap and how music led Mzee into the hearts of Ugandans

Written By,
Michael Aboneka Jr.

A dance to the gates of hell

I danced that day. My legs were all rattled up and my bones were ready
to shake to the legendary Ntogoro (The Banyoro cultural dance). I had spent the previous night  awake and kicking, rehearsing and practicing for that dance. I
am quite certain I never danced as well as to have been noticed by
most of the people in that hall while I was up on that stage but at least I am
privileged to have been noticed by one of the few beautiful daughters
of men on that university campus. She came to me after that dance and shyly, in
her soft sweet voice whispered to my lustful ears "I never knew you
could dance that well".

Oh my God! I almost burst with unquenchable excitement as I for the
first time had received a genuine compliment from a beauty on this planet.

"How could it be! How could it be that of all people on this planet it
is this ANGEL that had appreciated my dancing abilities?" I questioned
my excited and unsettled self.

I knew she had fallen for me at least from the way she spoke and I hope we all know how hard it can be to resist advances of a gorgeous daughter of Eve. Deep in my heart I knew it was impossible for me to give resist her advances; at least that was what my instincts told my soul because her presence consumed me so deeply that night as we descended into a sweet conversation. By that time my mind had seized reasoning as rationally as I always expected it to and it was being fooled by the heart. For the first time I appreciated that scripture that talks of the heart being deceitful above all things

At that time, she seemed to me like that old serpent that had come to entice and lure me into eating the forbidden fruit. But that was only an illusion: in reality she sat just besides me; enjoying every moment of our conversation and waiting for me to suggest for the next course of action. Obviously at that time, the most probable course of action would be to go for a night out. The body was willing but the spirit
objected strongly even reminding me of how it was necessary for me to flee from sin in such tempting moments.

Due to this inner battle, I failed to suggest the next course of
action as soon as she would have wished me to and that is when she run out of patience. She then decided to blurt it out without fear or favor.
"Zak I know you are a committed christian but can't you just escort me for a dance tonight. I would really love to dance with you. You danced so well on that stage and I cannot wait to dance with you."

I knew I had placed my soul between a rock and a hard place. "How could I have accepted my soul to be driven right up to the gates of hell?" I questioned my confused self. However I had to find my way out of this place or else I would end up right into hell.  I quite suspected that her suggestion for a night out was akin to an exciting journey to hell in the company of a murderous but gorgeous Angel and it is then that I gave her the excuse that I was so tired to go with her for a dance but I tried as much as I could to dress this excuse with such amazing sweetness. And when I had convinced her, I then wanted to throw a peck unto her soft chic but before my lips committed that abominable sin, the spirit intervened and commanded them not to do that and that was when I decided to turn the other side and sprinted off. She followed me trying to ran after my soul but before she could catch up with my soul that was actually fleeing from sin I woke up from my slumber. It was a new day, a day after the cultural Gala at the university I attend. Since it was a Sunday , I had to prepare and go for church such that I would learn more about how a son of man can flee from sin and how a young man can keep his way pure

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

I paid for grand pa's sins of wife beating

The other day my grand father was narrating to me how he used to
wallop my grand mother during the days of his youth and intimating to
me how he believes slapping and kicking a woman here and there not to be
something as wicked as many people of this generation think it to be.
I swear I was so baffled that I pulled my chair closer to eagerly
listen to those extreme assertions of my grandfather as he unleashed
more astonishing tales about how he used to thrash his wife without
fear or favor.

While he was narrating about his aggressive escapades with grand ma, I remembered these groups of activists whose billboards are ever discouraging us men from beating the daughters of Eve claiming that beating a woman is what is called domestic violence. So, I decided to inquire for the opinion of grand pa on this matter and whether he is
not aware that beating a woman these days is taken to be a cardinal sin and even some people in this era call it domestic violence.

His wrinkled skin contracted, his eyes brows raised to let his eyes look like they were about to pop out and yelled at me “My son, do not be stupid, I have also heard of that stupidity- the so called domestic violence.”

At that moment shivers had already started running down my spine for I believed my inquiry should have exasperated the old man. However to the relief of my soul he managed to cool down as soon as I would have wished him to. As soon as he recollected his wits he changed what was supposed to be a narration of his whipping antics into a lecture on wife beating and why it should never be associated with domestic violence. He began by reminding me that I am a grown up man who should not be influenced by the opinions of activists to determine what I should do with my wife. He added that besides sometimes beating a woman is a means of showing love to a woman and that even the women know this.


He told me that for instance that at one time he had taken a few months without sharing some slaps and kicks with my grand mother and my
grandma put up a serious protest claiming that he no longer loved her as he had always before just because he had taken some time without thumping grand ma. This was unbelievable but the old man continued with his lecture and assured me that that was the day when he vowed never to take such a long time without walloping my grand mother just to let her stay assured of his sincere love. He then explained that in his marital life, him and grandma used not only to share gifts, hugs and kisses but also a few occasional slaps and kicks and that is why their marriage stood the test of time.

He then concluded the matter by telling me that besides beating a wife being a means of showing love to our female counterparts, it could also be looked at as just simple wear and tear in a relationship or home not domestic violence because that is too hard a phrase to be associated with such a simple thing like wife beating.

Being the wise fool that I am, I was tempted and indeed took the advise of my grandfather seriously. So when I got back with my sweetheart at home, the first thing I did was throw a hot slap at her soft chic when she angered my soul. The next thing I knew after that was that I had been put behind bars for battering a daughter of a man. I could hardly believe but I was there anyway and that is how I realized that old men are not always right; that may be in this modern day and era, we should not take some of their archaic opinions on some matters like domestic violence as seriously as we always take most of their other sometimes pathetic opinions.

See related article on wife beating

UAE: Spousal Abuse never a "right"

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

Why I love to hate weddings

Now I had always thought weddings were all about carrying one's thrilled soul
into the house of God, exchanging rings, promising to live together till death does you part throwing you into hell or heaven wherever you deserve to be thrown and living happily there after but wapi that is not the case. It is not the case at least not from what I heard from my friend, James who tied the knot
recently. James says weddings are just more than those few things that I think weddings are all about.

To begin with, weddings, I am told are about what for lack of a better
phrase, I will call redundant and idle proclamations. For I do not know how
else I can refer to that madness of having to tell people things like “If
there is anyone with any reason whatsoever as to why so and so (for example
James and Caroline) should not be pronounced husband and wife should say it
now or forever hold your peace.” Obviously there are always some people
that have reasons as to why that couple should not marry but just decide to
shut their mouths up or hold their peace for that matter just because they
think weddings are so sacred to be tampered with not even when the truth is the reason for the spoiling of such PURE celebrations. Pure, my foot! Yet when
those seemingly eternal seconds pass, with everyone in that church saying
nothing and the celebrant in that case announces them husband and wife, this
couple will think it is done. A few days, weeks, months or years down the
road the people that held their peace for the few seconds to allow you have
the best out of your wedding party, despair and begin coming with children
that belong to that guy that you said you would stay with till death do you
part. Now that is when reality strikes. Unfortunately not long after this
reality strikes, you begin running up and down to the courts for a hand and
claiming that you can only stay with your husband till the courts do you
part. Yet at the wedding you had pledged that death would play that role of
parting you and your hubby. Redundant promises we should say.

Then, I am also told weddings are about tears. By the way, not tears of joy
but tears of distress and grief. For instance my friend Joseph had this lady
that he promised to wed but before the guy executed his pledges his closest
friend, moved in before him and exchanged rings with the lady. I and Joseph
attended the wedding but how I wish you had been there just to see how
exasperated Joseph was that day. I swear, it had never occurred to me that big
boys sometimes cry not until I saw Joseph that day crying, and real liquid
tears flowing. Tears flooded his eyes causing just two streams that ran down the right and left sides of his cheek with the thought of his closest friend betraying him with the woman of his dreams almost strangling his spirit. Obviously he could have said anything whatsoever to stop his friend and his former love from marrying when the priest urged him to but like I said he never wanted to tamper the PURE occasion.

On the contrary I had another friend that was almost choked with tears on
her wedding evening. Her name is Sarah. Everything had gone well, the
meetings were excellent, the organization of the whole party had been
brilliantly planned, the environment was exceptional with the sun giving the
earth a full shine but then it all crumbled at the altar when one mad woman
stood up. Yes she stood up to say something that would stop Sarah from
marrying the man of her dreams and left her drowned in a sea of tears as she
sank into amazing disbelief and embarrassment. Not even when her gown became a handkerchief to wipe her tears was good enough to dry them up. Now that is what a mad person that does not have any respect for the “purity” in a
wedding is capable of doing. A lot happened after but I am not good at telling sad stories and will just let the story end at that point.

Interestingly we all crave and dream for a beautiful wedding, the sweetest thing
that can happen to someone; so do some of us think but we should remember
that that can only be when we are as honest as we pretend to be when we want
to lure other people into tying the knot with us.

see related article

Traditional Ugandan Wedding Customs

By Tiberindwa Zakaria