Choking on the allurements of Karimojong beauties

When you are a young man who has been favored with a good education, acquired a bachelor’s degree in law, a relevant post graduate qualification in legal practice and chanced upon a job in an upcountry station where you are paid in big dollars and treated like an expatriate by the community you serve, a swagger in the poise is to be excused. But be ye not deceived, the good value of the bullion I earn is not all there is to my job placement. As a matter of fact my employment benefits include among others the privilege of being chauffeured around in a brand new Isuzu Double Cabin pick-up, it suffices to note with tinted glasses, the true reckoning for a gallant son of the pearl of Africa, who has read his books and earned his place in the echelons of influence. Anybody who has read Henry Barlow’s famous verse knows the role of the chauffeur and the chauffeured in building the nation and perfectly comprehends what I am talking about.

Off course the young man at university still struggling to make ends meet and hoping that the gods will smile upon his fortunes like they do on mine will grin with envy at this tale of a good life but the good life can also be an albatross of sorts bedeviling one’s progress in some ways. I will lend an explanation to the assertion. Of late I am almost chocking on the soft allurements that have been thrown my way by the matronly denizens of Karamoja who are possessed of stock in the form of marriageable daughters.

I must say, there is something about money that makes men, even those with the most haggard of features, handsome; not that I think of myself less endowed in that regard, far from it, on the contrary if there was any doubt, based on the recent developments, this question has been settled beyond debate. I am handsome. Because everywhere I go in Karamoja, I see girls clustered in groups of two, three, sometimes four, throwing glances to my beckoning, evidently praying for a possible opportunity of engagement, pointing to the direction of my going, and speaking in concealed whispers, there goes Mr. Handsome, one of us must marry him. A Muganda would say Musumba Zak ayogeza aba karamoja obwama. And they imagine I don’t hear them but I do. I obviously distrust their motives and I do suspect that their entreating may constitute a bigger scheme aimed at channeling my hard-earned cash to their whims but I also know that there are some amongst them who honestly think me handsome. But even then I must avoid the temptation.

At the Karamoja Cultural Gala 2015. Photo Opp with a random participant in the Gala

No wonder that these days when I sleep I dream of Karimojong girls waylaying me and threatening me on gun point to either serve them with my seed or get murdered in cold blood. Fortunately I always wake up in the process of bargaining for my life, before committing to the abomination of giving away my seed in such coerced circumstances and before the trigger is pulled.

Evidently, some guys will assess my case and accuse me of squandering opportunity. They even call it opportunity. Truth be told, I agree that for every person, male or female, there is nothing unpleasant about being courted. That is why my belief is that anybody above twenty five years of age who claims to be single and contented must be living in denial.

Yet to everything in which I am involved I must consent.

Besides, I am a product of GLOVIMO, that age old campaign by which we pledged to stay chaste till the nights of our weddings. Therefore, to avoid the eminent temptations and to regularly remind myself of the commitment, I have pinned my pledge card somewhere on the walls of my house and recently accompanied it with a notice on my door which reads “Whatsoever is kept under my trousers is a precious gift to be unveiled on my wedding night, not now, not tomorrow, not even the other day, so please keep off.”

At Karamoja Cultural Gala 2015. Random photo taken of participants in the Cultural Gala

The 7 habits of highly effective lovers (Part 2)

As promised, Part 2 of the 7 habits of highly effective lovers has come upon us. Just in case you missed part 1 click here otherwise let us jump straight into the fray.

4. Think win-win

Now many times when those we love refuse to click our vibe, we often get hurt. Some of us even cry. But why should we? It’s not that the world is going to come to an end because some girl said no when you tried approaching or some boy is too slow to as the lawyers will say take judicial notice of your coy blushes. So there’s no reason why you should sit there and mourn. You surely deserve better than that. Whether she yes or she says no, and whether he takes judicial notice of the blushing or he doesn’t. The truth is there is nothing to lose but everything to win. So stop being a loser and just become the winner you’re supposed to be. Just step out and be happy no matter what he/she feels about you.

The 7 habits of highly effective lovers (Part 1)

Lately I have been thinking through the work of the famous writer Steven Covey in his book the 7 Habits of Highly effective people and I thought his ideas may help instruct us through the basics of love. Actually this was supposed to be counselling material for those guys who are just about to graduate but who also want to get married as soon as they get out of university. So here we go.

Friend zoned again? Here is the way out

Friend zoning may not be a familiar term to all my readers. So I will start by defining the term. Friend zoning is as what ladies do to guys whom they cannot out rightly reject and kick out of their circles. In other words you go to a girl, tell her what’s up and she suggests that you should remain good friends instead of taking things to another level.

Neighbours with Benefits

It is a well-known teaching of our good old teacher Jesus Christ that we should love our neighbors as we love ourselves. In fact it is the other commandment of the two peculiar commandments as reduced from the original ten.

However, this teaching should be construed as the lawyer will say Mutatis Mutandis (with the necessary modifications). In other words if your neighbor is somebody’s spouse you should not purport to love them as you love yourself because well there is somebody who loves them as they love themselves and that's their spouse…just saying.

Now in the recent weeks I have had two interesting interactions with my neighbors that came with benefits (pardon the pun) and I thought I should share these experiences which have helped me appreciate the essence of keeping good relations with the people that are around us.

MOROTO HERE I COME

What happened the night before

By 7pm that Saturday Evening I was not sure whether I would be travelling to Moroto the next day, that little known District in the North Eastern Corner of Uganda, call it the Horn of Uganda. I was not sure because first I needed quite a good sum of money to travel to Moroto, rent a house there, buy household items for my new home and remain with some lose change to survive for a week or two yet that money was not fourth coming, at least from the expected sources. And for some reason I had drained my account the month prior. Now add to that the fact that I hate borrowing and you will understand the quagmire I was in at that particular moment.

How to impress a Muko (your father in law)

Now unlike all the how-to-do courses you have done and been exposed to by able instructors like myself and many others, this course is unique in the sense that it’s not littered with a list if how-to-dos. On the contrary, it is simply based on a dummy conversation I had with my Muko a couple of days ago. (Muko is the Luganda equivalent of Father/ Brother/ Son in law but for this particular purpose it is used in reference to my father-in-law). So please follow through the conversation and pick your lessons. I cannot keep spoon feeding you. Okay? Yes I guess it’s okay

To have or not to have babies

When you successfully complete LDC, one of the realities you will face are the ladies who think that you can now make babies with them. You are done with school after all. What more can you do with life except father a few kids here and there.

So, the other day I met an old friend. It’s been a while since we talked. When we met, I cancelled all the plans I had in the afternoon and off we went to Javas to question ourselves on why we had chucked each other and what plans we had for the future.

Somehow, as we talked and sipped on the cup of coffee we were sharing, the conversation drifted to an unfinished discussion we had had a few years back about the two of us making one or two babies together. I have always tried to avoid this discussion but she keeps bringing it up anyway.

Dear Kabale waiter who stole my modem

Yes, how are you sir? You stole my Modem. You thought I had forgotten. But I have not. I still remember that morning a couple of years ago when you committed this hideous crime and somehow managed to get away with it.  

However this time I want to warn you ahead of time and remind you that should you dare touch any of my property without my permission, I will castrate you. I am not joking.

How I missed out on the love of a Congolese beauty

During my time at Law Development Centre, my place of habitation was Nana Hostel. Now Nana is a hub for foreign students, mainly Somalis and Congolese.  For the time I stayed there I had a Congolese roommate who was doing a degree at Cavendish University. He knew some English (just a few words) and a lot of Kiswahili. On my part I knew a few French words and the furthest I could go in Kiswahili was Habari- Muzuri.

Our communications were but for convenience because well, destiny had brought us together into one room and like they say I had to stay well and my neighbour also. Otherwise, there was no reason why we should have talked to each other in the first place. We had nothing in common. He was Congolese, I was Ugandan. He was at Cavendish University; I was at Law Development Centre. He was pursuing an undergraduate Bachelors degree in I don’t know what; I was pursuing a Post Graduate Diploma in Legal Practice.

My ex tells friend she’s single and contented, we all know it’s a lie

In the words of my friend Papa Herman

“So my friend Musumba Zak recently chucked his long term sweetheart Abwooli for an unnamed Mukiga girl whom he purportedly intends to get married. Well, as if that was news. We all saw it coming from day one. Don’t ask me how? We shall leave such answers to our friend Jason who is prophetic.

Anyways, I stumbled on Abwooli the other day as I was making my rounds in what is left of Owino market (FYI, I was not purchasing clothes, I had gone to crack a deal. Don’t shake your head like that, it was a land deal.)

Of the search for big jobs and finding true love

Our centre of focus today is getting big jobs and finding true love. By the end of this article you should be in position to get a big job and find true love without a hassle. 

{Aside} Valentine is around the corner and well, everyone is talking about love but I thought that before we speak about love we should talk about jobs because I observed a correlation between these two realities. 

Its official, this year I am getting married and here is the reason why

It’s official. In 2015, I am getting married. I proposed to my Mukiga Girl during the festive season and she said yes. So if you are my friend, prepare your Kanzus nebigenderako for the introduction which we have scheduled for September 2015.

I am tired of small boys thinking I am their size just because I am not married. This year, I want to show them I’m not a small boy like them and that I’m capable of vibing somebody’s daughter to the point of marrying them.

Why every guy should consider marrying a Girl from Lira

A couple of months ago, I traveled to Lira to attend a friend’s graduation party. I was fortunate to be in the company of another lady friend with whom we shared an endless streak of stories and confessions on the bus. For purposes of this article we shall call her mercy (real name withheld on request). It was a time to remember, trust me. Mercy and I have since resolved to do more of these kinds of trips together. In fact soon we shall be doing an ‘Around Uganda in 30 days’ kind of journey just for the fun of it. So if you know of any places you can recommend in this country, please do the needful. We shall be more than glad to try them out. 

Beautiful girls should stop complimenting writers for the articles they write

It is one thing to write a wonderful article. But it is another thing when a beautiful girl compliments you for writing that article. It is a satisfying experience. I swear!

However, I thought it prudent to caution my friends who belong to the fairer sex about the implications of those compliments. I am not saying that the girls should stop complementing the writer for the awesomeness they enjoy as result of his efforts but I think there is need for some level of moderation. Just a little moderation you know.

Okay, here is the deal. You see, when you compliment the writer for writing an article, he starts imagining different things. He starts to think that for the joy he has brought into your life, he deserves more than a mere compliment, at least a hug, my friend. If you really enjoy the articles and are simply not feigning the excitement, then I guess a hug is not something too big for him to ask from you. Just saying...

The Marburg scare and why it won’t stop us from hugging

The President of this country his Excellence Yoweri Kaguta Museveni has taken the bother to warn Ugandans against hugging. Why? Because the last thing our President will stand is seeing his subjects, the citizens of this country dying just because they do not have enough self-control in their systems to constrain them from receiving and giving hugs. It is unfortunate.

Stuck in an intricate web of Bakiga girls

Recently I fell in love with a Mukiga Girl (Hereinafter referred to as Mukiga Girl 1). After falling in love with Mukiga Girl 1, another Mukiga girl fell in love with me (Hereinafter referred to as Mukiga Girl 2).

Perhaps Mukiga Girl 2 had always had a crush on me but it’s just a couple of months ago or so that I learnt of her predicament. I call it a predicament because the worst thing that can happen to a daughter of Eve is for her to have a crush on a son of Adam as cantankerous as Musumba Zak. Honestly I feel sorry for that girl.

Why my Christian friends should stop forcing me to eat pork

Many friends have tried convincing me to eat pork but to no avail. Unfortunately every time I am about to heed to their pleas and give the damn thing a taste, I get terribly scared and I back off. I just fear what will happen the day I get a taste of that delicacy. Off course my concerned brothers and sisters in Christ have attributed my fears to my Islam background and rebuked me for not getting “saved completely”.

An open letter to that girl who promised “to tell me something”

Dear Girl who promised to tell me something,

I have no time to waste. So I will jump straight into the fray and take the bull by its horns. First, this letter is not just directed to you but to every girl out there that thinks they can make the first move on a guy and get away with it.  So, please share this with that assemblage of busy bodies you call friends and tell them that we can’t keep up with the speed at which they are running after our souls. Call us slow brothers if you want but we need some breathing space. Honestly, we need it.

Poetry vs Guitar Playing

There is a fallacy that has been perpetuated for centuries, that guys who play guitars and strap them around their shoulders are the coolest human beings this world has ever encountered. Unfortunately for them who have believed that lie, I am here to demystify the fallacy, set the record straight and demonstrate to you how the advocates of that erroneous notion are duping the world.