Sunday, December 18, 2011

Idle and Disorderly

For a silly young man like I, there is nothing new under the sun. Nothing new: absolutely, apart from the beauties that I keep ogling at every other day when I pass my time sitting here in front of my Muzigo.
In fact sometimes I am tempted to think that this country is cursed in all other aspects apart from that aspect of being endowed with amazingly pretty daughters of Eve.

They are so many in this country and they keep swaying their hips within the vicinity of my eyes as if they are not aware that I am largely an idle son of a human being. 

Now that they have failed to recognize that fact, I have also decided to ogle at them until they get some sense in their nuts to know that I am also a human being of idle flesh and hot blood running through my veins.

Look at that one with her boobs, Oh my God! They look like two oranges tucked under her blouse. I am going to whistle to her and summon her for a serious quiz. I should ask her why her father was such a serious joker to have given birth to a lady with such gorgeous boobs.

Ehh, Eehh! Ate see another Madam that is swinging her gyrating bums, like that is all she has to do in this world. I have to beckon her here such that I can find out whether the best thing she can do with her bums is swing them like there is no tomorrow for them.

But then I am supposed to be working at this time not feeding my eyes on the nutritious menu of God’s beautiful creation.

Sometimes I feel like this country is the best that one can ever leave in. Honestly in another country, trust me; I would be in prison by now for being idle and disorderly. But then I am not sure whether that offence exists in the penal statutes of some of those countries.

Friday, December 9, 2011

We can talk n talk but can we do the walk

I believe you have heard that ka song in which some musicians claim mbu some people in this country will talk n talk n talk…and that some people talk but they can’t do the walk? There is a way I believe some of our brothers in the opposition must have been inspired by that ka song to start up that controversial business of walking to work.

But then the talk in this article should have nothing to do with politicians and their walk to work. For that matter let me shift my line of conversation. I am one of the few Ugandans that “can do the walk ”. In other words I can really walk long distances. So the other day I was walking to Kamwokya (though you should not mistake me to be that bad man from Kamwokya). I then received this surprise call from some sweet voice. And so I inquired about who the hell was the owner of such a sweet voice only to be shocked when the voice quickly snapped “Angela”. I also spontaneously replied, “Owewa (where from)?”… and just on the other end of the line again the sweet voice crooned “Nansana.”

Now I know that looks like a naked lie, doesn’t it? And you must be asking that question “Okakasa?” to find out whether I really mean what I am saying. And to that I have no option but to say, “I swear”. Besides, sometimes I simply like to talk n talk n talk paka last. Okay let me shift to another story where I did the walk. The other day I met this other girl whose name is Carolina. Now Carolina is the girl that I went to school with in 1997. And akin to the story of the Carolina that you may have heard, I found this Carolina doing some crude business in the wee hours of the night (Please do not ask me what I was doing at that time of the night because I am not ready to talk n talk n talk about that foolish business). I just want you to listen. Anyway when I expressed my concern over her plight and wanted to assist her and marry her out of her misery ( in other words do the walk down the aisle with her) she simply told me to mind my own business… these days is it called okuwujja one’s kasepiki.

And so I have been trying to okuwujja my kasepiki until some lady recently asked me out. She promised me heaven on earth in terms of love. Honestly I thought I had landed into things (Ngude mu bintu). Naye, not long after that I realized she was simply after my Mafalanga and nothing else. But then luckily enough for the few years I have spent on this planet, I have so far failed to click a healthy relationship with cash and that is how I managed to survive. When I survived I sang for her a verse “muwala nkugude mu oyagala cash olabika tomatira (Oh babe I have realized you are simply after my cash and you do not really love me)”. In other words she could do the talk n talk n talk of love but could not do the walk. Since these days I have heard of “Enkola ya Boda” I simply jumped off that Boda Bee and resumed my usual business of doing the walk.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

Friday, December 2, 2011

Meet Uganda's most profilic striker of the year

This year (2011) has been one of striking in this blessed curse of a country called Uganda. Apart from me I think every Ugandan has in one way of the other participated in a strike the teachers, the doctors, the traders and wanainchi have all striked at one point this year. I will not mention the lecturers of Makere University because that is kind of usual. Thus I have also decided to strike now that the year is drawing to a close lest the year escapes away and goes to wherever it intends to go without me striking. It is not that I want a bigger pay for this stuff that I write or that I have any grievances with my employers. Neither am I going to do this just to murder a few human beings here and there like the various lightening strikes. It is just that I feel like striking.

I want to understand, comprehend and fully appreciate what this whole concept of striking means. Given that my strike will basically be about exploring the satisfaction that there is in striking, this is what I am going to do when my strike finally commences. I will enter my boss's office with a heavy whip and strike some sense into his butt or nut for that matter. After striking him seriously, I will quit the job and look for a job elsewhere. Most likely, few employers will be willing to employ me since jobs are scarce these days. But then, I am not ready to go around begging for jobs when I can force some employers into giving me certain jobs. And one of those employers is none other than Bobby Williamson. I am going to tell him that I want to join the Uganda Cranes and specifically as a striker. If he refuses to allow me into his team, I will threaten him with a serious strike on his nut just to prove to him that I am a no nonsense striker. In other words I will remind him that I am capable of striking him to death if he insists on refusing me to join the team.

Besides as far as I am concerned the strikers of Uganda Cranes are not indispensable people in that squad. But he could also choose not to block me from joining the squad. If he does that, I will ensure that I perfectly do my striking job on the pitch. I will not hesitate to strike our opponents with serious tackles. And if the referee dares to give me a card; yellow or red whatever the case, I will also strike him with a few blows.

I am quite certain that my level of striking ability will raise dust and some players will begin questioning Bobby's acumen for having allowed me into his squad. Because of this, some of his players may decide to deal with the problem by striking and I will also strike them down in return just to remind them that I am a better striker than them. And so when I finally get tired of striking, I will just quit Bobby's team and get back to business as usual. In other words I will call off the strike.

Read about the various strikes that have happened in Uganda in 2011

Teachers Defy Government order continue with strike  

Lightening Strikes 40 pupils