Tuesday, July 31, 2012

How I started 2012, I survived being raped

Today will mark the end of the Seventh Month in 2012 and there is every reason for us to thank our God for thus far that he has brought us. Some of us had almost failed to make it to 2012 but some how we managed to hustle through 2011. On my part, I will never forget and will always thank God for that dark night of a certain day in December 2011 when I survived being raped by a gang of bu stupid girls in my village.
That night, a blanket of darkness had engulfed the village and the village seemed to be comfortably snoring under it.  As usual, given my nocturnal tendencies, I was up and about.  I happened to have been swept off my feet by some belle that lives in a neighboring village and I would conduct all the business concerning that daughter of a man in the night. In our village, the tradition is that we always run afterpeople’s daughters during the wee hours of the night since we spend most of the day time either grazing cows or tending gardens. So after a hard day’s work that is when we move around doing all sorts of crazy things.
Thus it was while I was strolling along a village path that the most unexpected happened. All of a sudden, seven girls sprang from the darkness and rounded me up. When I asked what they wanted, they were frank enough to tell me that they wanted to rape me. Can you imagine! It is an abomination for a woman to rape a man. That is when I felt like the gods in my village must be crazy to plant such stupid ideas into the sane heads of young girls. Now when we talk of women raping men, some of you will argue that a woman cannot rape a man and that some men would simply consider it a blessing if they ever ran into an ambush of female rapists. Unfortunately, even the penal code provisions on rape do not envision scenarios of ladies raping men. I also used to argue until I heard some stories that were flying in from Zimbabwe about a cluster of female rapists that were on rampage that side of the world. There was I in an ambush of the same kind. I quickly thought of a way of getting myself out of this. And I started by putting in a defense of being a virgin. I bargained with these ladies by claiming mbu I am a virgin and therefore was not ready for what I was about to be forced to do. But they simply replied, “Our dear Zakaria we too are virgins. So do not think that you are the only one that is not ready for this. We too are not ready but we also have nothing to do”. 
I immediately looked for another way out and as a result I requested them to allow me tell them some stories before they went on with their hideous plans. Fortunately they were willing to listen to my stories. I told them about a king called Mswati II and how that king is so blessed that every year he is always presented with virgins of all sorts to choose from for his marital consumption. I then told them that being threatened by rape by “seven beautiful virgins” made me feel like King Mswati II. I told them how I was feeling flattered by their efforts to rape me. But then, I suggested that it would be better if they allowed me choose just one of them to rape me since if I were to allow the seven of them to rape me most likely I would die in the process  and they would all lose me. Yet they still needed me alive.
Fortunately this suggestion achieved its intended effect for I had released it to divide up the enemy’s seven- woman army. Indeed this wrecked havoc in the enemy’s camp as they started fighting against themselves, disagreeing to agree or agreeing to disagree on whom amongst them should do the desired job of raping me. Soon a bloody fight had ensued in the camp and the girls started exchanging words. It was not long before; two of them were rolling in the dust wrestling each other. I would have stopped the fight but I also had to save my dear life and get back to my place of abode.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The trials of a young man who has just fallen in love

First and fore most I would like us to note that the title of this article was supposed to be “The trials of a young man who has just genuinely fallen in love for the first time in his life” but I had to edit it such that it would not appear to be a very long title. I would have wished this article to carry a title as elaborate as that but the rules of fine writing dictate that titles of written work should not be so elaborate. Therefore I was left with no option. I also do not like it when we have to follow such rules, sometimes without questioning but any way enough of the ranting, let us get to the gist of the matter.

It starts with abundance. It all started when I was getting various advances from all kinds of ladies on this planet. In Uganda we call that okubeeera ku katale loosely translated as being on market. I was surely on market but the most unfortunate thing is that I thought all this abundance would last forever and so I squandered my chances. I treated those girls; well to me it was not as bad. But according to the stories that they tell their friends, that I only get to know through unfounded rumors, I am told mbu  I treated them in the most terrible way a guy can ever treat a girl on this planet. Mbu I was insensitive to their feelings and just took them for granted. So that is how I lost it all.

Then the suffering begins. Yes, one morning I just woke up and realized that I was single and searching. It was painful to be confronted with that reality and I remember, I cried (as in seriously). I could not imagine I was back exactly where it had all started. And then I resolved that Ngenda Mumaaso (I am moving forward). No turning back. This was a brilliant resolution but it meant I would lose out on all the beauties that I had dilly dallied with in the past which was a painful thing for me because I still needed at least one of those babes. Man. But anyway I still managed to go forward. My face book status changed, people commented and I moved on. In other words I became officially single.

The suffering continues. At first it was this girl. I had a crush on her. I went over to tell her what’s up and she was like Zakaria you are joking!!! The girl, yali tandabawo. (She just ignored my bu moves.) These days it seems like she is hooked up but that just makes things worse for me because when I put in my request for love, I did not completely lose hope. But now that she is hooked I am forced to lose hope as in forever.

It now turns into agony. Though, I had not completely lost hope concerning that other girl that ignored my moves, I did not get discouraged from looking else where for greener pastures. Meanwhile, there was another girl who had always enchanted my soul but apparently she was already hooked up and I could not just have my way in. I was a secret admirer. Then all of a sudden, recently, I just leant that something happened and she is also single these days though not as available if that is what we are supposed to decipher when a girl says that she will not be getting into a relationship any time soon. But I was like wapi! I have to put in my CV for consideration. You never know! That culminated into sleepless nights and a very brilliant idea. Post it up on Facebook that you are a secret admirer of this girl and pray that she comments. She never commented. So I had to think of an alternative plan. I had to attack directly kama mbaya mbaya (come what may). I launched my attack on a Tuesday night and this is how it went.

Me: (Obviously stammering) I love … you Dorothy (not real name).

Dorothy: I love you too…

Me: (I am stuck. I do not what to say but she continues)

Dorothy: I love you as a brother in Christ and as a friend…

Me: (I am pissed. For heaven’s sake this girl should have known that if I had wanted to tell her that I love her as a sister in Christ, then I would not have called her aside for a private chat. I feel like punching the girl but then I remember that that would kill my chances completely.) I donno… but you know what I mean Dorothy. I love you as some one I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Dorothy: Okay. 

Me: May be… May be you should…give me some ideas on how I can get you.

Dorothy: You have my number. We are friends on Facebook and what else…you have the wrong email address but I will give you the right one soon.

Me: (By now I am so confused, perplexed and very angry)

Dorothy: (Starts walking away)

Me: Please do not walk away before giving me a straight answer.

Dorothy: I will get back to you when I get a straight answer.

Later I call and we fix an appointment to talk more about my issues and this girl tells me she cannot love me beyond the fact that we are friends. And she gives those fake explanations that girls usually give when they turn down our offers of love.

And then she asks why I love her? Inside I begin rioting for if she is not interested in my love then why ask me such a question. Of what essence is it? But any way I give the answers.

And now the need for some help. As you can see I have been tormented for genuinely falling in love with this girl and though she said no, I want to keep believing but I am looking for a reason to believe and I just cannot find any. So that is where you help is needed. Please tell me that my case is not as bad and may be in future things can change. Please make me happy and tell me what I want hear.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Dump her with swagg

If you are a lady, there is no reason as to why you should continue reading this because most likely you are going to get angered. And yet I do not want to upset you for no good reason. Similarly if you are a decent gentleman, I strongly feel that you too should not read this because most likely it will contaminate your admirable values. And yet I do not want to be held responsible for contaminating your values. For the kids, it will be simply abominable for you to read this. I do not even need to tell you that you should not be reading this. You simply ought to know.

Therefore, this information is exclusively meant for spoilt chaps that are above a certain age. I will not be specific concerning the age because the age at which someone becomes a man varies from one culture to another. So as long as you think you a man and spoilt enough to listen to some silly man-talk you can go on and read.

Having said that, I am convinced that I can now freely say whatever I want to say. If you are a lady or decent gentleman and you are still reading on up to this point, then I have no option but to tell you that if this annoys you or contaminates your values; Shauri Yaako. And if you are a kid and still reading, I can only say you deserve some serious strokes of a corporal cane. In other words, I am talking to you stupid kid “Stop reading now or I will kick the hell out of your butts!”
Okay let me leave that stupid kid alone and tell you what I want to share with you wamma the spoilt chaps of this world- just a few tricks on how to dump a woman. Please my brother listen carefully because by the time you are reading this I am sure that most likely you have dumped or been dumped by a daughter of a man at one point in life. And if you have not, most likely you hope to dump or be dumped by a woman in future.

So, here are some ideas on how you can dump her in style.

First and foremost if you are going to dump a woman, please ensure that you dump her before she dumps you.  Because if she dumps you before you do, you will be the looser and we shall all be like…shame upon you big boy!

But then even when she dumps you before you dump her do not just let it lying down and do nothing about it. There is something that you can do to make yourself the winner in this. For instance you can tell her that even before she thought of dumping you, you had already determined in your heart to dump her and so you are glad that she too decided to dump you.

The other way could be by trying to win her back and as soon as you win her back you do the needful and dump her. But note that if you do this you run the risk of being made more of a looser just in case you fail to win her back. And that is why there is every reason for you to dump her as soon as you win her back because once beaten twice shy. A person that has dumped you before will always have the potential to dump you again. So the earlier you dump her before she dumps you again the better.

And above all every time you dump a woman please do it in the most demeaning way possible. Make sure it makes it all like you are the most important human being on this planet and let it look like she is the most abominable thing that has ever happened to you.

But remember the more you ‘dump women in style’ the more likely it will become for you to ‘be dumped in style’ yet that is not meant to discourage you, silly chap from dumping them in style. Go ahead follow my silly advice.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Kyoka that babe

That babe! I wonder who the hell she thinks she is? I met her the other day. I then collected all the humor that I could from within my spirit just to pick her up from her gloomy world only for her to stare back at me like I was a humorless piece of crap. Kyoka that babe!

That babe. I saw her ruthlessly wriggling her waist on the dance flow. And so I thought it was my right to go and squeeze the hell out of that waist only for my cheek to be massaged with a hot slap.

I then sought to know why she had done that and she reminded me that as a married woman the last thing she could tolerate on this planet or on the dance flow for that matter was a bad touch. I then wondered what amounts to a bad touch? Could the hot massage on my chic in the name of a slap also amount to a bad touch or should we say it amounted to a worse touch? I believe it amounted to a worse touch because the perfect way to avenge for my bad touch was definitely by giving me a worse touch. Kyoka that Babe!

That babe.  I called her a “chick” since I thought referring to a babe, as a “chick” was cool only for her to remind me that she is not the young of a hen but a lady

I was like “Shiiya what does that babe think is so special about her?” Does she think she is more special than the Very Important Babes (VIBs) of this country…sijuyi the female ministers, female directors, female Engineers and the like whom I can comfortably refer to as “chicks”? Or she thinks she is more special than the babe that gave birth to me… also a “chick” in her own right? Kyoka that babe!

I am even scared that if she reads this she may come for my nut and knock some sense into my head just to remind me that she is as well not a babe but a LADY. And I know that babe can do it.

That babe! I could not wait to share the experience I had with that babe with my close friend only to be assured that that babe, is the only babe in this world that clearly knows what she wants.

It is then that I realized how much of a wizard that babe was. Other wise nothing other than sheer wizardry could make a friend of mine like Kyazze to have such an excellent opinion of that Babe. Kyoka that Babe.

A day in the life of a village baboon

6.00am: Some of my brothers were imprisoned away in the zoos of this country such that some human beings who travel long distances from far off countries can come and watch them. That really pisses me off. Can you imagine they have reduced such powerful animals like us to mere tourist attractions? That is why I always wake up very early to plan on how I can eat the hell out their crops in this village. 

6.15 am. To really achieve my end I need to call all my brothers that are still leaving in the forest such that we can properly plan out our day. We need to descend on the crops of those farmers that are cultivating in this forest like a Tsunami and thus the need for a meeting.

7:30am But then our meeting is temporarily interrupted by a farmer who is crossing through the forest to go and tend his garden on the other end of this narrow strip of a forest. We quickly sum up the meeting with resolutions now that farmers have started coming for the days work.

7:00am  We move in our group and then go and pitch camp at a place near some of the gardens in the forest. One farmer is there before us and he is listening to the early morning bulletin while digging. I, also decide to listen ko to the bulletin and guess what? The National Forestry Authority is cautioning human beings against cutting down trees. I am so excited. I share the good news with my brothers and sisters.

7:30am:  Instead one of us gets more agitated and begins ranting about how disobedient human beings are. He points to the fact that despite the stern warnings of the NFA some human beings have still insisted on making life for us hard by cutting down the trees in the name of creating more land for farming. But I console him when I remind him that we can avenge for such crude behavior of some human beings by seriously “showing their crops touch”

8:00am:  We are reminded that there is a farmer who always delays to come to his farm. So we go to that farm to help him attend to the farm such that by the time he turns up at the farm he will have a reason to come early next time. That is where we have our breakfast

9:00 am: The lazy farmer finally comes and we are forced to leave

12:00noon: Most farmers are leaving their farms. We have to send snoops around to check on which farmers have left some children behind to keep the farms. One of the farmers thinks we are fools and so he leaves behind a scarecrow instead of a human being to guard his garden. Mind you we know the difference between a human being that puffs and huffs and a scarecrow. So we go for that one’s garden just to prove to him that we are smarter.

1:00pm: The children that most of them left in the garden are preparing lunch and which we believe shall be ready by 2:00pm or shortly after. The children around here can cook very fast. No wonder that some men come all the way from the towns to fetch daughters of men from this forest of a village.

3:00pm: The digestion of what the Basoga call emboli (Sweet Potatoes) begins having its effect on some of these children and helps us do the needful. Most of these human beings begin dozing. That is when our day seriously kicks off. We go into the gardens and have our lunch two hours after the normal lunch time for human beings. Anti human beings in this country, I am told always have lunch at 1:00pm.

3:30pm: The Children awake from their temporal slumber and that is when they realize that we have also
been having lunch at their expense. They shout at us and chase after us. They hurl all kinds of insults
at us while calling out our names. Enkobeee! (Baboons!) But who cares? After all we have just had a
satisfying meal at their expense. 

5:00pm: Evaluation time. Every one of us is talking about the Lazy farmer and cursing that other farmer that
spends the whole day in the garden with his children. That farmer always denies us the opportunity
to have a taste of his gorgeous maize. Oba is he a pagan? Even on Sundays he is there in his garden. Kyoka
even on public holidays he is in the garden. We observe a moment of silence and say “May his soul rest in
eternal pieces” in advance because we long for his death.

7:00pm: We have to sign out and go to sleep. We ought to sleep early because our day always starts early.
The rate at which we eat when we get into some of those gardens gives us a reason to skip supper before
we sleep.

Friday, June 8, 2012

A night in the life of an irritating jigger

9:30pm: One good thing I have noticed for the last few days that I have stayed in the foot of a human being is the fact that it is always warm in here unlike outside there in the dust where I used to stay and it was always very cold in the night. 

9:45pm: I do not know how it feels to stay in the hands or others parts of the human being but I am sure that my colleagues that get the privilege of staying in those other parts also have an interesting story to tell.

10:00pm: I have to listen ko to the news today. May be I will hear that some of my kinsmen in Busoga have made a come back with another tantalizing revolution against human beings after that hard-fought defeat they suffered in the first revolution.

10:15pm: In my entire life I will always be grateful to my brothers in Busoga who real proved to this world that we too are creatures worth writing home about. Though we lost that revolution at least I am glad we also managed to murder a few human beings.

10:30pm: The news bulletin is done. This human being who also happens to be my landlord switches off the radio set. This human being is going to sleep well aware that I am one of the tenants on his right foot but he has not even told me good night. I do not think he has bid my tenants in his feet goodnight but never mind I will avenge on their behalf by distressing the hell out of him later in the night.

11:00pm: May be, he never bid me goodnight because the room I rent is between two seemingly insignificant fingers on his foot.

11:30pm: Kyoka the landlord is stupid just one hour and he is snoring like there is no tomorrow. Let me leave him snore for another one or two hours and I will punish him for his crude manners of refusing to bid good night to tenants of his feet like us.

12:00am: Let me also try to find some sleep meanwhile.

1:30am: Damn it, it is one and a half hours now. I have been trying to find some sleep and I have failed just because that landlord’s snore is far more irritating than the sputter of an old tractor. As if ignoring to bid me good night was not bad enough, he now wants to make my life more difficult by snoring like it is the best he can do for this world. He will definitely pay for this.

1:35am: I start itching his feet from my base because it is the only way I can politely wake him up.

1:45am: I started inflicting itches on his left foot like 15 or so minutes ago but he just does not seem to bother. But even then I will not give up, I will just try harder.

1:50am: Finally he wakes up. He is not amused by my itches in his foot and tries to scratch the foot just to counter my itches.

2:00am: Since I keep itching the same spot and he keeps scratching the same spot on his foot soon he begins to feel some pain and I am delighted that I am inflicting some pain on him. My revenge for the rate at which he disorganized my sleep with his reckless levels of snoring has began taking serious shape.

3:00am: I still torment him . I want him to have a genuine reason for evicting me with a safety pin tomorrow. Naye some human beings are really stupid. Kale, even when I came to occupy a room in his feet without his permission, he still cannot have the sense to evict me. Let me torment him, may be he will have some sense after what I have done to him.

4:00am: Let me leave him to have a short nap because tomorrow he is expected to be up by 6:30am such that he can tend to his farm. I can now concentrate on sucking the blood out of this peasant of a man such that I can also survive. No one can survive without eating or drinking you know.

5:00am: Time for Morning Prayer. Oh God! Save me from being evicted from this peasant’s foot or I will be doomed.

5:01am: At least help me stay in his foot and may be then when I have stayed for long I will be given the privilege of becoming a bonafide occupant of this foot.

5:02am: Oh God! Also remember that if I stay here for long I will quickly grow since I am well fed these days and produce some children. I am told you tell us in your word to go and multiply. God this is the best opportunity that I have to multiply.

5:03am: Amen

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Zakaria is searching and he wants a slender sugar mummy

My name is Zakaria  a.k.a Zaake, Zakayo or any other name that you may baptize me with in an attempt to twist my not so beautiful name. Just for the record I am not in any way related to or even a descendant of the legendary Zakaria Kisingiri of the 1900 agreement fame and neither am I related to the famous Zakayo of the Zoo. I am just Zakaria a simple man with a simple profile: single, a hunk and searching for a sexy and gorgeous Sugar Mummy.

I am well aware that some of you when I talk of a sugar mummy, you envision but a huge piece of a wrinkled woman meanly cocooning in a relatively inadequate Premio and peeping with lustful eyes at young and endowed campus boys through a tinted window. Now that is not the kind of sugar mummy I am searching for. Era if you are that kind of sugar mummy and you are reading this with hope there is no reason why you should continue reading this. The last thing I can ever stand is to date a babe who is not portable. Not even when she is a sugar mummy. To be honest I need something portable.

The Sugar Mummy of my dreams should be that small, slender and sexy babe with boobs as youthful as those of a teenager; standing straight on her chest like two mangoes and pointing at me like they are about to shoot me down. Obviously, some Sugar Mummies will complain since most of their boobs are no longer anything to write home about. But then whether they complain or not, I do not give a shit about what the hell their complaints are. They should remember that we are not so many hunks in this country and so this is probably the best offer they can ever get from a hunk.

Besides, there are so many boob fixers in and about Kampala and any Sugar Mummy worth her salt should find no problem employing the services of some of these self styled boob fixers. They can do just anything with boobs ranging right from enlarging them to sizes of udders of Dairy cows to reducing those that are the size of udders to the sizes that I cherish. And please do not ask me how, just go to those guys and have those large boobs of yours fixed before you can ever dream of having hunks like me in your bosom.

Therefore, just in case you are a sugar mummy and have the kind of boobs that I cherish, whether natural of fixed just contact me through my email. But then just a word of caution, just in case I find out that you have viruses like some of your colleagues that are looking for young men to share their viruses with, I will not hesitate to slaughter you and send you to hell with your viruses.