Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Kyoka that babe

That babe! I wonder who the hell she thinks she is? I met her the other day. I then collected all the humor that I could from within my spirit just to pick her up from her gloomy world only for her to stare back at me like I was a humorless piece of crap. Kyoka that babe!

That babe. I saw her ruthlessly wriggling her waist on the dance flow. And so I thought it was my right to go and squeeze the hell out of that waist only for my cheek to be massaged with a hot slap.

I then sought to know why she had done that and she reminded me that as a married woman the last thing she could tolerate on this planet or on the dance flow for that matter was a bad touch. I then wondered what amounts to a bad touch? Could the hot massage on my chic in the name of a slap also amount to a bad touch or should we say it amounted to a worse touch? I believe it amounted to a worse touch because the perfect way to avenge for my bad touch was definitely by giving me a worse touch. Kyoka that Babe!

That babe.  I called her a “chick” since I thought referring to a babe, as a “chick” was cool only for her to remind me that she is not the young of a hen but a lady

I was like “Shiiya what does that babe think is so special about her?” Does she think she is more special than the Very Important Babes (VIBs) of this country…sijuyi the female ministers, female directors, female Engineers and the like whom I can comfortably refer to as “chicks”? Or she thinks she is more special than the babe that gave birth to me… also a “chick” in her own right? Kyoka that babe!

I am even scared that if she reads this she may come for my nut and knock some sense into my head just to remind me that she is as well not a babe but a LADY. And I know that babe can do it.

That babe! I could not wait to share the experience I had with that babe with my close friend only to be assured that that babe, is the only babe in this world that clearly knows what she wants.

It is then that I realized how much of a wizard that babe was. Other wise nothing other than sheer wizardry could make a friend of mine like Kyazze to have such an excellent opinion of that Babe. Kyoka that Babe.

A day in the life of a village baboon

6.00am: Some of my brothers were imprisoned away in the zoos of this country such that some human beings who travel long distances from far off countries can come and watch them. That really pisses me off. Can you imagine they have reduced such powerful animals like us to mere tourist attractions? That is why I always wake up very early to plan on how I can eat the hell out their crops in this village. 

6.15 am. To really achieve my end I need to call all my brothers that are still leaving in the forest such that we can properly plan out our day. We need to descend on the crops of those farmers that are cultivating in this forest like a Tsunami and thus the need for a meeting.

7:30am But then our meeting is temporarily interrupted by a farmer who is crossing through the forest to go and tend his garden on the other end of this narrow strip of a forest. We quickly sum up the meeting with resolutions now that farmers have started coming for the days work.

7:00am  We move in our group and then go and pitch camp at a place near some of the gardens in the forest. One farmer is there before us and he is listening to the early morning bulletin while digging. I, also decide to listen ko to the bulletin and guess what? The National Forestry Authority is cautioning human beings against cutting down trees. I am so excited. I share the good news with my brothers and sisters.

7:30am:  Instead one of us gets more agitated and begins ranting about how disobedient human beings are. He points to the fact that despite the stern warnings of the NFA some human beings have still insisted on making life for us hard by cutting down the trees in the name of creating more land for farming. But I console him when I remind him that we can avenge for such crude behavior of some human beings by seriously “showing their crops touch”

8:00am:  We are reminded that there is a farmer who always delays to come to his farm. So we go to that farm to help him attend to the farm such that by the time he turns up at the farm he will have a reason to come early next time. That is where we have our breakfast

9:00 am: The lazy farmer finally comes and we are forced to leave

12:00noon: Most farmers are leaving their farms. We have to send snoops around to check on which farmers have left some children behind to keep the farms. One of the farmers thinks we are fools and so he leaves behind a scarecrow instead of a human being to guard his garden. Mind you we know the difference between a human being that puffs and huffs and a scarecrow. So we go for that one’s garden just to prove to him that we are smarter.

1:00pm: The children that most of them left in the garden are preparing lunch and which we believe shall be ready by 2:00pm or shortly after. The children around here can cook very fast. No wonder that some men come all the way from the towns to fetch daughters of men from this forest of a village.

3:00pm: The digestion of what the Basoga call emboli (Sweet Potatoes) begins having its effect on some of these children and helps us do the needful. Most of these human beings begin dozing. That is when our day seriously kicks off. We go into the gardens and have our lunch two hours after the normal lunch time for human beings. Anti human beings in this country, I am told always have lunch at 1:00pm.

3:30pm: The Children awake from their temporal slumber and that is when they realize that we have also
been having lunch at their expense. They shout at us and chase after us. They hurl all kinds of insults
at us while calling out our names. Enkobeee! (Baboons!) But who cares? After all we have just had a
satisfying meal at their expense. 

5:00pm: Evaluation time. Every one of us is talking about the Lazy farmer and cursing that other farmer that
spends the whole day in the garden with his children. That farmer always denies us the opportunity
to have a taste of his gorgeous maize. Oba is he a pagan? Even on Sundays he is there in his garden. Kyoka
even on public holidays he is in the garden. We observe a moment of silence and say “May his soul rest in
eternal pieces” in advance because we long for his death.

7:00pm: We have to sign out and go to sleep. We ought to sleep early because our day always starts early.
The rate at which we eat when we get into some of those gardens gives us a reason to skip supper before
we sleep.

Friday, June 8, 2012

A night in the life of an irritating jigger

9:30pm: One good thing I have noticed for the last few days that I have stayed in the foot of a human being is the fact that it is always warm in here unlike outside there in the dust where I used to stay and it was always very cold in the night. 

9:45pm: I do not know how it feels to stay in the hands or others parts of the human being but I am sure that my colleagues that get the privilege of staying in those other parts also have an interesting story to tell.

10:00pm: I have to listen ko to the news today. May be I will hear that some of my kinsmen in Busoga have made a come back with another tantalizing revolution against human beings after that hard-fought defeat they suffered in the first revolution.

10:15pm: In my entire life I will always be grateful to my brothers in Busoga who real proved to this world that we too are creatures worth writing home about. Though we lost that revolution at least I am glad we also managed to murder a few human beings.

10:30pm: The news bulletin is done. This human being who also happens to be my landlord switches off the radio set. This human being is going to sleep well aware that I am one of the tenants on his right foot but he has not even told me good night. I do not think he has bid my tenants in his feet goodnight but never mind I will avenge on their behalf by distressing the hell out of him later in the night.

11:00pm: May be, he never bid me goodnight because the room I rent is between two seemingly insignificant fingers on his foot.

11:30pm: Kyoka the landlord is stupid just one hour and he is snoring like there is no tomorrow. Let me leave him snore for another one or two hours and I will punish him for his crude manners of refusing to bid good night to tenants of his feet like us.

12:00am: Let me also try to find some sleep meanwhile.

1:30am: Damn it, it is one and a half hours now. I have been trying to find some sleep and I have failed just because that landlord’s snore is far more irritating than the sputter of an old tractor. As if ignoring to bid me good night was not bad enough, he now wants to make my life more difficult by snoring like it is the best he can do for this world. He will definitely pay for this.

1:35am: I start itching his feet from my base because it is the only way I can politely wake him up.

1:45am: I started inflicting itches on his left foot like 15 or so minutes ago but he just does not seem to bother. But even then I will not give up, I will just try harder.

1:50am: Finally he wakes up. He is not amused by my itches in his foot and tries to scratch the foot just to counter my itches.

2:00am: Since I keep itching the same spot and he keeps scratching the same spot on his foot soon he begins to feel some pain and I am delighted that I am inflicting some pain on him. My revenge for the rate at which he disorganized my sleep with his reckless levels of snoring has began taking serious shape.

3:00am: I still torment him . I want him to have a genuine reason for evicting me with a safety pin tomorrow. Naye some human beings are really stupid. Kale, even when I came to occupy a room in his feet without his permission, he still cannot have the sense to evict me. Let me torment him, may be he will have some sense after what I have done to him.

4:00am: Let me leave him to have a short nap because tomorrow he is expected to be up by 6:30am such that he can tend to his farm. I can now concentrate on sucking the blood out of this peasant of a man such that I can also survive. No one can survive without eating or drinking you know.

5:00am: Time for Morning Prayer. Oh God! Save me from being evicted from this peasant’s foot or I will be doomed.

5:01am: At least help me stay in his foot and may be then when I have stayed for long I will be given the privilege of becoming a bonafide occupant of this foot.

5:02am: Oh God! Also remember that if I stay here for long I will quickly grow since I am well fed these days and produce some children. I am told you tell us in your word to go and multiply. God this is the best opportunity that I have to multiply.

5:03am: Amen