Tuesday, July 31, 2012

How I started 2012, I survived being raped

Today will mark the end of the Seventh Month in 2012 and there is every reason for us to thank our God for thus far that he has brought us. Some of us had almost failed to make it to 2012 but some how we managed to hustle through 2011. On my part, I will never forget and will always thank God for that dark night of a certain day in December 2011 when I survived being raped by a gang of bu stupid girls in my village.
That night, a blanket of darkness had engulfed the village and the village seemed to be comfortably snoring under it.  As usual, given my nocturnal tendencies, I was up and about.  I happened to have been swept off my feet by some belle that lives in a neighboring village and I would conduct all the business concerning that daughter of a man in the night. In our village, the tradition is that we always run afterpeople’s daughters during the wee hours of the night since we spend most of the day time either grazing cows or tending gardens. So after a hard day’s work that is when we move around doing all sorts of crazy things.
Thus it was while I was strolling along a village path that the most unexpected happened. All of a sudden, seven girls sprang from the darkness and rounded me up. When I asked what they wanted, they were frank enough to tell me that they wanted to rape me. Can you imagine! It is an abomination for a woman to rape a man. That is when I felt like the gods in my village must be crazy to plant such stupid ideas into the sane heads of young girls. Now when we talk of women raping men, some of you will argue that a woman cannot rape a man and that some men would simply consider it a blessing if they ever ran into an ambush of female rapists. Unfortunately, even the penal code provisions on rape do not envision scenarios of ladies raping men. I also used to argue until I heard some stories that were flying in from Zimbabwe about a cluster of female rapists that were on rampage that side of the world. There was I in an ambush of the same kind. I quickly thought of a way of getting myself out of this. And I started by putting in a defense of being a virgin. I bargained with these ladies by claiming mbu I am a virgin and therefore was not ready for what I was about to be forced to do. But they simply replied, “Our dear Zakaria we too are virgins. So do not think that you are the only one that is not ready for this. We too are not ready but we also have nothing to do”. 
I immediately looked for another way out and as a result I requested them to allow me tell them some stories before they went on with their hideous plans. Fortunately they were willing to listen to my stories. I told them about a king called Mswati II and how that king is so blessed that every year he is always presented with virgins of all sorts to choose from for his marital consumption. I then told them that being threatened by rape by “seven beautiful virgins” made me feel like King Mswati II. I told them how I was feeling flattered by their efforts to rape me. But then, I suggested that it would be better if they allowed me choose just one of them to rape me since if I were to allow the seven of them to rape me most likely I would die in the process  and they would all lose me. Yet they still needed me alive.
Fortunately this suggestion achieved its intended effect for I had released it to divide up the enemy’s seven- woman army. Indeed this wrecked havoc in the enemy’s camp as they started fighting against themselves, disagreeing to agree or agreeing to disagree on whom amongst them should do the desired job of raping me. Soon a bloody fight had ensued in the camp and the girls started exchanging words. It was not long before; two of them were rolling in the dust wrestling each other. I would have stopped the fight but I also had to save my dear life and get back to my place of abode.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The trials of a young man who has just fallen in love

First and fore most I would like us to note that the title of this article was supposed to be “The trials of a young man who has just genuinely fallen in love for the first time in his life” but I had to edit it such that it would not appear to be a very long title. I would have wished this article to carry a title as elaborate as that but the rules of fine writing dictate that titles of written work should not be so elaborate. Therefore I was left with no option. I also do not like it when we have to follow such rules, sometimes without questioning but any way enough of the ranting, let us get to the gist of the matter.

It starts with abundance. It all started when I was getting various advances from all kinds of ladies on this planet. In Uganda we call that okubeeera ku katale loosely translated as being on market. I was surely on market but the most unfortunate thing is that I thought all this abundance would last forever and so I squandered my chances. I treated those girls; well to me it was not as bad. But according to the stories that they tell their friends, that I only get to know through unfounded rumors, I am told mbu  I treated them in the most terrible way a guy can ever treat a girl on this planet. Mbu I was insensitive to their feelings and just took them for granted. So that is how I lost it all.

Then the suffering begins. Yes, one morning I just woke up and realized that I was single and searching. It was painful to be confronted with that reality and I remember, I cried (as in seriously). I could not imagine I was back exactly where it had all started. And then I resolved that Ngenda Mumaaso (I am moving forward). No turning back. This was a brilliant resolution but it meant I would lose out on all the beauties that I had dilly dallied with in the past which was a painful thing for me because I still needed at least one of those babes. Man. But anyway I still managed to go forward. My face book status changed, people commented and I moved on. In other words I became officially single.

The suffering continues. At first it was this girl. I had a crush on her. I went over to tell her what’s up and she was like Zakaria you are joking!!! The girl, yali tandabawo. (She just ignored my bu moves.) These days it seems like she is hooked up but that just makes things worse for me because when I put in my request for love, I did not completely lose hope. But now that she is hooked I am forced to lose hope as in forever.

It now turns into agony. Though, I had not completely lost hope concerning that other girl that ignored my moves, I did not get discouraged from looking else where for greener pastures. Meanwhile, there was another girl who had always enchanted my soul but apparently she was already hooked up and I could not just have my way in. I was a secret admirer. Then all of a sudden, recently, I just leant that something happened and she is also single these days though not as available if that is what we are supposed to decipher when a girl says that she will not be getting into a relationship any time soon. But I was like wapi! I have to put in my CV for consideration. You never know! That culminated into sleepless nights and a very brilliant idea. Post it up on Facebook that you are a secret admirer of this girl and pray that she comments. She never commented. So I had to think of an alternative plan. I had to attack directly kama mbaya mbaya (come what may). I launched my attack on a Tuesday night and this is how it went.

Me: (Obviously stammering) I love … you Dorothy (not real name).

Dorothy: I love you too…

Me: (I am stuck. I do not what to say but she continues)

Dorothy: I love you as a brother in Christ and as a friend…

Me: (I am pissed. For heaven’s sake this girl should have known that if I had wanted to tell her that I love her as a sister in Christ, then I would not have called her aside for a private chat. I feel like punching the girl but then I remember that that would kill my chances completely.) I donno… but you know what I mean Dorothy. I love you as some one I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Dorothy: Okay. 

Me: May be… May be you should…give me some ideas on how I can get you.

Dorothy: You have my number. We are friends on Facebook and what else…you have the wrong email address but I will give you the right one soon.

Me: (By now I am so confused, perplexed and very angry)

Dorothy: (Starts walking away)

Me: Please do not walk away before giving me a straight answer.

Dorothy: I will get back to you when I get a straight answer.

Later I call and we fix an appointment to talk more about my issues and this girl tells me she cannot love me beyond the fact that we are friends. And she gives those fake explanations that girls usually give when they turn down our offers of love.

And then she asks why I love her? Inside I begin rioting for if she is not interested in my love then why ask me such a question. Of what essence is it? But any way I give the answers.

And now the need for some help. As you can see I have been tormented for genuinely falling in love with this girl and though she said no, I want to keep believing but I am looking for a reason to believe and I just cannot find any. So that is where you help is needed. Please tell me that my case is not as bad and may be in future things can change. Please make me happy and tell me what I want hear.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Dump her with swagg

If you are a lady, there is no reason as to why you should continue reading this because most likely you are going to get angered. And yet I do not want to upset you for no good reason. Similarly if you are a decent gentleman, I strongly feel that you too should not read this because most likely it will contaminate your admirable values. And yet I do not want to be held responsible for contaminating your values. For the kids, it will be simply abominable for you to read this. I do not even need to tell you that you should not be reading this. You simply ought to know.

Therefore, this information is exclusively meant for spoilt chaps that are above a certain age. I will not be specific concerning the age because the age at which someone becomes a man varies from one culture to another. So as long as you think you a man and spoilt enough to listen to some silly man-talk you can go on and read.

Having said that, I am convinced that I can now freely say whatever I want to say. If you are a lady or decent gentleman and you are still reading on up to this point, then I have no option but to tell you that if this annoys you or contaminates your values; Shauri Yaako. And if you are a kid and still reading, I can only say you deserve some serious strokes of a corporal cane. In other words, I am talking to you stupid kid “Stop reading now or I will kick the hell out of your butts!”
Okay let me leave that stupid kid alone and tell you what I want to share with you wamma the spoilt chaps of this world- just a few tricks on how to dump a woman. Please my brother listen carefully because by the time you are reading this I am sure that most likely you have dumped or been dumped by a daughter of a man at one point in life. And if you have not, most likely you hope to dump or be dumped by a woman in future.

So, here are some ideas on how you can dump her in style.

First and foremost if you are going to dump a woman, please ensure that you dump her before she dumps you.  Because if she dumps you before you do, you will be the looser and we shall all be like…shame upon you big boy!

But then even when she dumps you before you dump her do not just let it lying down and do nothing about it. There is something that you can do to make yourself the winner in this. For instance you can tell her that even before she thought of dumping you, you had already determined in your heart to dump her and so you are glad that she too decided to dump you.

The other way could be by trying to win her back and as soon as you win her back you do the needful and dump her. But note that if you do this you run the risk of being made more of a looser just in case you fail to win her back. And that is why there is every reason for you to dump her as soon as you win her back because once beaten twice shy. A person that has dumped you before will always have the potential to dump you again. So the earlier you dump her before she dumps you again the better.

And above all every time you dump a woman please do it in the most demeaning way possible. Make sure it makes it all like you are the most important human being on this planet and let it look like she is the most abominable thing that has ever happened to you.

But remember the more you ‘dump women in style’ the more likely it will become for you to ‘be dumped in style’ yet that is not meant to discourage you, silly chap from dumping them in style. Go ahead follow my silly advice.