Sunday, August 25, 2013

When I grow up I want to be the Kabaka of Buganda

To begin with, I technically cannot be the Kabaka of Buganda (Uganda’s largest ethnic entity) because I cannot be Born Again. Yes I cannot go back to my mother’s womb and get reborn as a Muganda. I am from the famous Bunyoro Kingdom, what was once a powerful empire here in East Africa but which has now lost its lustre.

But still, I believe there is a way out for me. We can borrow ideas from the concept of being Born Again as understood within the Christian tradition. Under that concept, being Born Again has nothing to do with physical re-birth but rather a spiritual renewal that one receives after one has become an adopted son of the Most High God. That is how we that were once aliens to the promise, we that were once not considered children are now counted as brethren to Christ who is first born son amongst many brethren. Thus it is the very reason why we cry Abba father and also the means through which we have obtained an inheritance in the Kingdom of God.

If we relate such an approach to the issue at hand, then there is a manifest possibility that I can also become a son of the Kabaka and obtain an inheritance in the Kabaka’s Kingdom. And perhaps if I am lucky get to ascend the throne. Yes it possible if only some of you can assist me to get in touch with the people that matter in the Mengo government such that they can connect me to the big man himself the Kabaka.
I swear if I meet the Kabaka, I will plead with him to adopt me as a son. Just in case he heeds to my pleas, then I am sure some things have to change about what people were speculating about the future of Buganda. It means that the famous Semakokiro’s chances of becoming the next Mangulu Nyondo of the Kingdom will be reduced because the Kabaka has adopted a son who is really dying to sit on that throne. Obviously I know that some bogus media outlets will get tempted to dig into my motives for all these endeavours. Some may go as far as claiming that I have bribed the bigwigs in Mengo for me to get that adoption or the extremists will even claim that I compromised the Kabaka because I am scheming to benefit from the goodies that will flow from the recently returned properties (ebyaffe).  And we all know I cannot be that opportunistic.

But then they will have to be reminded that such attempts to poke their noses into the Kabaka’s business may cause them a cut in their copy sales or listeners/viewers.  I am sure that the Kabaka’s subjects are willing to boycott any newspaper or stop listening to any radio station or viewing any TV station that trades such rumours about Obwakabaka bwa Ssabasajja.

Anyway since I have already stated that the return of the properties is not what has motivated me to desperately search for a place in the kingdom, I believe I owe my readers an explanation. And here is the reason why I want to be the Kabaka. I want to have power. Everyman loves power. I have heard Ugandans who say they want to be presidents of this country and in my heart I’m like, those fools aint know nothing about who wields real power in this country.

You see people can afford to insult and scald Museveni on the air waves, in the print media and wherever and whenever. But dare raise a finger against the Kabaka and you will be buried alive. Now that is power. The kind that causes men to prostrate before another man and feel proud about it. The kind that makes a man’s word sound akin to that of a deity which cannot be questioned. It is not the kind of power that is shared with people. You know I do not believe in this whole notion of people having power.
It makes those that are in power look like little children who have to be ordered around by the so called representatives of the people on how they should run the country.

Besides, in some jurisdictions like Swaziland, absolute power comes with free access to all kinds of beauties. I am sure no man wouldn’t want to be in the position of King Mswati  II; who gets the opportunity to add a virgin to his collection of women every year because apparently, all women in his kingdom belong to him, obviously, unless a man is a good Christian like me who can afford to frown at such immorality.  Any man would most definitely bask in such glory. Though when I become the Kabaka of Buganda I suspect I may get tempted to push Buganda into borrowing ideas from the Swazi chaps and add this spice of life to the pleasures of the king. I will then tell my Christian friends that the devil tempted me you know.

Some of you will wonder why I make the suggestion that people do not deserve any ounce of power but the problem with sharing power with people is that they abuse it. Give people power and you will have endless demonstrations orchestrated by daft agitators like Besigye, and newspapers as bogus as the Red Pepper and Daily Monitor that can afford to hide a letter that the government is badly looking for. Or you will have some nincompoop pushing for the restoration of the so called term limits in a bid to put a limit to your stay in power. Compare that with the case of an absolute monarchy and you will realize the king and the throne stay married till death does them part and no one is supposed to complain about their stay in power.

You see when you take power away from the people; you give them the opportunity to concentrate on more productive stuff like singing praises for the man who wields the power other than squabbling over the power you have given them. Thus you will have men who can proudly stand and call themselves Omubanda wa Kabaka, Swahaba wa Kabaka and so on and so forth. But even then man is an insatiable creature. Give him a little power and he will keep asking for more until he takes away everything. So the solution is in not giving people any power at all.

Perhaps that explains why it has been said mbu our President Yoweri Kaguta Museveni prefers to run this country like a monarchy where stuff is in the hands of few of his cohorts and where he can stay on the throne forever. Well, I believe he understands the dynamics of power in such an entity and that it will help him get the real power that he deserves such that he can also inspire some of us who really look up to the Kabaka to be like him.

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