An open whatsapp to my employment supervisee

In reality I am the supervisee but I have decided to take on my supervisor’s job and supervise myself. So I (the acting Supervisor) has sent myself (the Supervisee on the other hand and in reality) a serious Whatsapp message cautioning myself about the expected code of conduct at work because as things stand my supervisor is not happy with the time I am wasting on Social Media instead of working. Not that his point is too hard for me to perceive but as a young man, messages that come through social media channels tend to be more easily perceived than messages received by verbal instruction. 

Because this is supposed to be a formal caution from a boss, I have deliberately omitted most of the informal contractions that we use in our daily Whatsapp conversations. Without much ado let us get to the Whatsapp message.

(Phone vibrates and yes it’s a message from your supervisor)

Hi Supavyc

Why are you hiding under the table? Like seriously, why? Please do what I’ve asked you to do and you will have no reason to hide under that table. In this office work is work and you can reserve that chit-chat talk u want to have with your friends on phone for after office hours officially 5pm ­­­­­­­­­­­­but for you the little boy in this office 7:30pm.

I know this won’t go down well with u but if you have dreams of becoming a supervisor and giving little boys orders like I’m giving u now, you’ll have to follow the ones I’m giving you first. I also hope you know that I’m d Alpha and Omega for all matters pertaining to your stay in this institution. So if you still need your job please follow the orders that I’m giving you.

(Ends- first message, enters-another message)

Please send me an FB friend request now! The purpose of having you as my friend on FB is for me to easily monitor when your FB chat is active and therefore easily track when you’re online. Please don’t get tempted to disable your FB chat in a bid to evade the consequences of you presence on social media during office hrs. The moment I learn that you’ve committed such a heinous crime, I’ll inform the powers that be of your adamant refusal to obey the lawful orders of your supervisor and you’ll lose your job, just like that. It’s that serious.

BTW this isn’t meant to scare you but I guess as a man fresh from campus and with serious ambitions you want to quickly grow through the ranks and become a bigwig in this institution. You’re fortunate to have a supervisor who appreciates your aspirations and is wiling 2 support you in any way he can. When you do what I want I’ll give u an excellent appraisal after the 6 months of your probation and you’ll get a ka promotion right away. Who doesn’t want that? Like seriously, who doesn’t?

(Ends- Second Message, Enters the final piece of caution)

Therefore apart from shunning any form of call making, txt messaging, whatsapping or facebooking during office hours as earlier discussed you have to do this as well.

Sow a quarter of your salary in your supervisor, at least for the time on probation. This is not supposed to be an order but if you have roots in the African culture you probably know that a request from an elder is in essence an order. But I will still insist, this is not an order. Yes, it is not an order coz I expect you to be nice to your supervisor. After all it’s just a quarter of the salary. Surely you’re still an unmarried chap, no concubine and no kids for whom to pay school fess. What will you do with all the cash you will get while doing this serious job? You can’t eat all that money man! Esp when you’re alone and in need of an excellent appraisal from a supervisor like myself.