Heaven Prayerphone Network

Just in case you are interested in the Heaven Prayerphone Network you have to use one model of phones called "Prayer 311". The batteries of these phones are rechargeable and but with faith which only comes by connecting to the power that flows through the electrons of the word of God (Remember that biblical adage that faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God).

Besides you do not need to purchase any airtime because all that was paid for in kind by Jesus Christ when he shed his own blood on the cross back at Calvary.  For those that need further details on how to use "Prayer 311" you can contact the Holy Spirit whom I am told is in charge of customer care. In other words he is in charge of helping most of us that cannot effectively use Prayer 311 such that we can use this phone to greater effect in getting connected to the network.

One of the most amazing aspects about Prayer 311 is the fact that for ages now, it has always managed to transform those that effectively use the phone into holy people over time. Yet we all know that those that die with this amazing transformation of holiness still evident in their lives always manage to win a fully paid trip to paradise. And later at the end of time they will be rewarded with a crown of glory by the Chief Executive Officer of the Network, God the creator of heaven and earth. Such people are given free citizenship status in his glorious kingdom.

Just in case you had not yet joined this network, I would rather you secured your place on this network now. Fortunately you will not have to struggle with the network by climbing trees, anthills or even peoples' buildings. It is as simple as kneeling down wherever you are and you will be connected.

Yet, above all that is the fact that this network has new concepts in phone networks and is not only "everywhere you go" like MTN Uganda but also "too good" like Airtel Uganda. But even then it is "all about you" like Uganda Telecom and you can "talk paka last" on this network in the manner akin to what you do when you are on Warid Telecom Uganda.

Crushed by crushes

I have been “crushed” so many times that if those incidents had been physical I would be but a deformed piece of dry and flat Atapa (millet bread). Crush number 1 was in my primary school on a daughter on of a Muteso. That girl was so angelic that every time I dozed off in class I would dream holding hands with that beauty and walking down the aisle. But then when I left primary school my dreams were severely shuttered when the world threw her to bounds I could hardly tell.

Yet, the other day, I found her on face book and …oops I had a crush. By that time I was nursing wounds of having been crushed by some gorgeous lady on this planet. Every time that daughter of a Muganda and I bump into each other somewhere in town I would just feel like sleeping because then, I would be assured of sharing the best of moments with her in one or two dreams.

But Even when I was crushed by that daughter of a Muganda, I had been nursing the wounds of a crush inflicted by a daughter of a Musoga at my work place. I had even tied the knot with her. I swear I had even tied the knot with her in that dream that was rudely interrupted by a knock on the door from my neighbor.

That is why I dislike this whole idea of being a bachelor. You could suffer from an endless streak of crushes if you are not careful. And amidst it all, you keep hoping to avenge for the crushes by marrying the ladies responsible for your crushes.

One day you come across a girl with beautiful eyes and you begin seeing a mother of your children in her eyes but before you are done with that you meet another girl with amazing hips. You then vow to your ancestors promising to ensure that those hips give birth to your children come what may. But then before you honor your promise you bump into another with lovely breasts and that is when you decide that your children deserve to be fed on milk from lovely breasts. By that time you have been crushed left, right and centre and wondering when you will get out of that silly world of crushes. But then you remember that you can write an article about all that and so you write it.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

Uganda’s detestable ghosts to vie for political offices

The first time I got really threatened by a ghost was back then when I was still in high school. I was in one of those schools in Jinja and it is called Kiira College Butiki I remember the name of that ghost was Whiteman. Whiteman was the last thing any student could ever desire to meet on the school compound in the wee hours of the night. Some of us feared Whiteman so much that even during those nights when nature called us out so loud we stubbornly refused to answer nature’s call lest Whiteman uses that opportunity to waylay us and inflict damage on our souls. The truth of the matter is that up to now, I do not know whether Whiteman actually existed or some people simply made up this whole thing of Whiteman.

But then though I really feared ghosts like Whiteman so much during my high school days, I no longer fear ghosts as much these days. And the reason is simple; they are so many ghosts around us that it would simply be a waste of time for us to purport to be so scared of them. At first we were told of ghosts that had been recruited in the army. I believe they must have recruited these ghosts to fight Konyi because by then it was hard to perceive that Konyi would be defeated without any supernatural intervention.  Soon we heard of ghosts teaching pupils in UPE schools. But then what is more interesting is that some of the pupils that were purporting to get free education in these schools were also actually ghosts.

Now I am told that some ghosts have even registered as fuel Companies. Can you imagine! So, I will not be surprised if some of these ghosts start running for political posts for example vying to become Members of Parliament. Or even I believe that one of them could end up running for the highest political office in the country. And I have little or no doubt that if a ghost campaigned to become a president in this country, it could easily win the presidential seat. It can easily win the presidential seat because at least it will be assured of winning the votes of its fellow ghosts who I am told sometime constitute a good percentage of the voters in this country. It can then garner a few votes from here and there to beef up its crack support. And surely with that the ghost will end up securing a landslide victory. 

This story is also published in Uganda's No1 weekly the Sunrise newspaper

Get more of these from Zak's Awkward thoughts