The 3 things Museveni should do with all the money he owns in Uganda

The Wireless Connection came across a letter addressed to the president concerning the money he owns in Uganda written by our own Musumba Zak of Naluvule Wakiso and we have decided to reproduce it here. Enjoy your read.

Dear Museveni,

In the good old book, it is said that Money answereth all things. There is also a Luganda proverb with an almost identical meaning in its translation which says essente wekuba egonza wo.

So, when last week, you our dear president took the occasion to remind us that you own all the money in Uganda, I took the remarks seriously. My only concern is whether Sejusa, Mbabazi, Besigye and all those who have messed with you our president in one way or the other are aware of this fact.

On that note therefore I have decided to copy them in this letter so that they can know that you are not their size.

Lessons from NTV’s Be My Date

I am not the kind that you will find watching NTV’s Be My Date because to me it is nothing more than the English version of Bukedde’s Abanonya. But for the last couple of weeks I have had to endure through the harassment that this proggie has subjected my eyes to because well, the kids at home think Be My Date is the most brilliant invention that NTV has ever come up with. So, to avoid pulling ropes with those little boys and girls, I had to assume that they were right and watched the proggie with them. At the end of it all there were lessons to learn which I thought I should share in this forum.

Of Boda Boda stupidity and Uganda’s mini-phobic gentlemen

Abstract

This research article substantiates on the reasons why every Ugandan should be worried about the country’s alarming levels of mini-phobia. “What the hell is mini-phobia?” You will wonder. Well, before I tell you what mini-phobia is, I will tell you what it is not. Mini-phobia is not a good thing. It is not something that we should be proud of as a country. But if you are really determined to know what it is all about please read on.

Literature review

I am told that Rev. Lokodo is not the first Ugandan to perpetuate the persecution of the miniskirt or the journalists that have misinformed the public by calling the Anti- Pornography Act, the miniskirt law. As a matter of fact that law has nothing or little to do with the miniskirt. So, all journalists and their friends the Boda Boda (Motorcycle Taxi) men are advised to leave the miniskirt alone. That is the only way we can fight this fear of miniskirts or what I was referring to as mini-phobia in the opening abstract.

When I grow up I want to be the Kabaka of Buganda

To begin with, I technically cannot be the Kabaka of Buganda (Uganda’s largest ethnic entity) because I cannot be Born Again. Yes I cannot go back to my mother’s womb and get reborn as a Muganda. I am from the famous Bunyoro Kingdom, what was once a powerful empire here in East Africa but which has now lost its lustre.

But still, I believe there is a way out for me. We can borrow ideas from the concept of being Born Again as understood within the Christian tradition. Under that concept, being Born Again has nothing to do with physical re-birth but rather a spiritual renewal that one receives after one has become an adopted son of the Most High God. That is how we that were once aliens to the promise, we that were once not considered children are now counted as brethren to Christ who is first born son amongst many brethren. Thus it is the very reason why we cry Abba father and also the means through which we have obtained an inheritance in the Kingdom of God.

It's not sleeping sickness or nagana that is distubing Uganda's bigwigs

An interview with the Tsetse fly that is suspected to have spread Sleeping sickness/Nagana to Uganda’s bigwigs

The tsetse fly denies responsibility for the unfortunate predicament.

As we may all know, it is no longer news. The bigwigs in this God forsaken country we call Uganda have made it a habit to sleep at every budget reading and State of the Nation Address. It is almost two months since we last saw the people that matter sleeping during the budget reading and it seems illogical that the Wireless Connection has decided pick on this matter after two months. But you see the Wireless Connection is not the kind of place where you expect people to take logical actions. Anyway just for your sake let us cook up some explanation that we think will satisfy you.

We were still investigating the matter to establish which of the Tsetse flies in this country has the guts to enter into the mansions or bungalows of our beloved politicians to spread this sickness.

Kenyans should donate the pork to Ugandans, not waste it on futile political campaigns

May 2013 ended on a very terrible note for me. The Kenyan Members of Parliament, a.k.a MPigs, sorry MPs, voted to increase their salaries. This means that all the pigs that those advocates used in the demonstration to dissuade the politicians from doing the obvious, increase their salaries: ­­­was a regrettable waste.

I hear mbu there will be another protest of a similar nature (read occupy parliament reloaded) on 11th June 2013. I hope there will be no pork involved this time around.

What we want is a coup, not this hopeless bickering we are hearing from some bored generals

When we speak about a coup, some of you get so apprehended to the point that you can even afford to hide under your chairs at the mention of that 4 lettered word. But hey, look here, come forth from your hiding place under that chair and let us talk about this. As Ugandans, it would simply be unrealistic if we pretended that coups are an alien topic to our existence. Just a reminder, for the 50 years that we have existed as an independent nation transitions of power have predominantly, if not only been by Coup D’états.

So, for us to pretend that it is an abomination for a citizen of this blessed curse of a nation to speak about a coup is to ignore our own history. But even then, we cannot speak of disgruntled Generals and not speak about a Coup D’état. Coup D’états is what disgruntled Generals machinate (apart from the coy Ugandan ones off course).

50 , 30 or 27 years? Someone is fooling us about Museveni’s time in power

Guys, His Excellence Yoweri Kaguta Museveni has been around for fifty years. Just in case you were complaining that the man has been around for too long- 27 which when rounded off to the nearest tens makes it 30 years, it is time to wake up. According to Museveni, in response to bwana Tinkasimire who was complaining about his alleged “over-stay” in power, 30 are the years he has spent in town. He spent some twenty years in the village fighting to come to town which in total makes it fifty years.

Now I know many of you thought over that statement and it just did not seem to make any sense in your minds. The fact that the NRM day celebrations were moved from 27th to 30th January for whatever reason means you will even think about this more. But that is why I am here struggling to write this. I want to open your eyes to the real truth behind the statement on which I have mediated for close to a month now.  

We shall start with an exposition on the statement concerning the allegation of spending “20 years in the bush and thirty years here in town.”  Now it is pertinent that we understand that asking Mzee to leave power is literally sending him out of town back to the bush and which in my little understanding would mean going back to the village because the bushes of this world only exist in villages. So what Museveni was trying to say is that tada mukyaalo and which resolution I support. No one wants to come from the village and go back there. If you think I am lying ask Judith Babirye why she sang that song Omukisa gwa Mukama and why she particularly includes those lyrics concerning her determination to stay in the city mbu “ekibuga ssikyifuluma nedda (I will not get out of town no matter what)”. And it is not only Judith Babirye but there is also another guy called Cobby Bly who sings and says “Sidda Mukyalo, wadde Kampala nge egganye” I will not go back to the village even if things fail to work out here in Kampala. Yet, how can I speak of all these people and forget my man Red Banton in his famous Nemeddeko track in which he vows not to leave the city. I can go on and on even speaking of Ugandans who in their private conversations intimated to me their determination to stay in the city and never to return to the village from whence they came. So, who does Hon. Tinkasimire think he is to push a “whole” president back to the village?

May be I need to give more explanations on this matter. As far as I know Mzee has no family home in town except State House in Entebbe and he can only keep his stay in State House by keeping in power. Therefore, anyone who presents suggestions of him descending down the throne of presidency is technically sending him back to that village called Rwakitura to go and graze his cows in the bushes that side. And How I wish all Ugandans would understand this simple fact that the man is not about to just accept to go back to Rwakitura when he has been in town for thirty years.

The other aspect that I may need us to know about that statement is that there is someone fooling us. And the question is who is fooling us? One person tells us Mzee has been here for thirty years, the real statistics seem to suggest 27 years and when we hear from the horse’s mouth, it is something like “It is not 30 years, it is 50 years that I have been active. You are miscalculating.” So whose word should we take? I would rather we take Mzee’s word. I hope we all know that our Mzee is omniscient. He knows all things, even those things that we know not. Perhaps that is why he is the only man that God has blessed with a vision for this country. We had all been fooled to think that he has been around for thirty years kumbe the man has been around for fifty years. This, to put it, a little bluntly means that we are all fools and Mzee is the only wise man in this nation. Yes we are all fools. How could we have failed to figure out that Mzee has been around for more than thirty years if we are not fools? We have all been fooled by people like Tinkasimire and our eyes are blind to the truth. So, let us all wake up and know that this country deserves nothing better than Mzee, the fountain of wisdom, the discoverer of Oil, the Conqueror of the Bush Empire for we are all but fools. 

The next article will be an analysis on why the Ugandan Army should disband ouir parliament