Kabale is not the “Switzerland” of Africa; Switzerland is the “Kabale” of Europe

I have not been to Switzerland, so I am possibly not the best person to make pronouncements on this matter. Besides I am a Ugandan and Kabale is a town in Uganda. As a patriotic citizen of the Pearl of Africa, I will not apologize for my biases, after all I am supposed to love my country more than anything else, right? Okay, I understand that in this web-connected generation it is awful for me to speak like I cannot even do something as simple as Google up a few writings on the European nation. But even after reading all that and seeing those nice pictures of the panoramic view of the Alps and mountains, I refuse to accede to the notion that Kabale is like Switzerland. I am rather of the view that Switzerland is like Kabale. Now, one will argue that for me to say that Switzerland is like Kabale and neglect the reverse as a manifest fallacy is but a silly play with semantics. Though, the point such a person misses is that when you liken Kabale to Switzerland you subtly give the scenic beauty of Switzerland prominence over Kabale's exquisite scenery but to liken Switzerland to Kabale is to lay across the truth as it is, put Kabale's majesty over and above Switzerland's nice looks. If you want to disprove me on this matter, just get me a visitor’s ticket to Switzerland and perhaps when I go to Switzerland, I will reconsider my assertions. But until then, Kabale is the real thing.

Kabale is strewn with undulating hills, arguably the prettiest town I have been to in this country. Kabale sparkles and entices. And then it engages as it keeps you craning and rolling your neck in a bid to behold the grandeur of the hills that have always been the trade mark of the district that is in South Western Uganda thrown as far as over 260 miles (430 kms) from Uganda’s capital, Kampala. It is only six kilometers from Katuna, the border between Uganda and Rwanda. The neat folds of manicured terraces and the lush vegetable farms form a pattern of appealing greenery that looks down from the hills upon the numerous homesteads in the valleys.

Or even then, you cannot from Kampala get to Bwindi Impenetrable Forest or Mgahinga National Park that are famed for Gorilla tracking except you go through Kabale. May be if you are prancing in from Rwanda. So you see, how fundamental Kabale is, you will never Gorilla track except you have beheld of the glory that there is in Kabale’s splendor. Honestly.

Besides, there are waters of Lake Bunyoyi, on which to take a boat ride to a nearby Island. While on the ride to the Island of your choice, your eyes are fed on a nutritious optical menu or should we call it the “boat view” of the hills that enclose the waters.

I would kindly ask that when you chose to go to that side of the world you pay a visit to the unassuming Bushara Island like I did. There, you will have a great experience watching various species of birds. But even then, the serenity and tranquility that hangs around the Island is more than what you will ever ask for. It has the ability to tame the wildest of spirits to the point of deep reflection and meditation.

On the downside, Kabale is still a municipality but with the unique expectation that the hilly town exudes, you cannot rule out the possibility of Kabale becoming a city at one point in time. I look forward to that time for I know Kabale will be akin to the proverbial city that is built on hill and which cannot be hidden.

Perhaps I am getting too sentimental here but forgive me darling. I got such a deep attachment to the place when I visited. The fact that the girl on whom I have had the most serious of crushes is a daughter of the cute town does not make things any better. Now I know why she boasts of such fine looks. I perceive why she has those dimples, those two little valleys that bring me down to my knees when she smiles. And those dark gums? That complement her chocolate complexion? God! I love them and the gyratory of her curves. A hopeless romantic from Europe will possibly claim they were chiseled in Italy but I am persuaded that her kind is only manufactured in South Western Uganda.

Now, I also understand why she soared above the cheap deceptions of my petty advances. Today when I look at her swaying her hips from left to right and from right to left and back, my heart skips and I am taken around the sanctuary; probably the reason why my prayers are never answered, for I know I will never get her, and she knows it too. So, she sways them from left to right and right to left and back and she knows I am hypnotized but she won’t give me a chance. Sometimes I think she is proud but why mustn’t she be when she comes from a place as wonderful? So, I am left with no option every time we cross paths. I have to drool as she sways on and on for I can only look on and say “behold the beauty of Kabale!”  “There goes the beauty of Kabale,” I usually mutter to myself in the alternative. I am then left in my wild hallucinations seeing my hands taking a tour around the waist and the curves that she has all in the right places. My iniquitous hands take their slow caresses through the waist as though measuring the circumference of the curves in remembrance of the soothing turns that we took while we rounded through the numerous hills when we were approaching Kabale after Seven hours of waiting.

At the end of it all, my mind with its gullibility gets drawn into wicked entreaties, to evil charms it swoons and it is bound therein before the realities of her rejections set in to bring me back to this life. And that is when I remember how I was freezing under the cool temperatures of Kabale for the two nights that I spent in the town. “Surely, it was unfair that I spent such cold nights in loneliness.” I complain to myself.  

The difference between singing and wailing in the bathroom

Girls, it is okay to sing in the bathroom but it is really horrible when in the name of singing you decide to cry. Not that your so-called singing which in actual sense sounds like weeping really bothers us, nonetheless we are definitely saddened. So, before you begin singing tomorrow while taking your morning bath; I would rather that you consider reading this. It will help you revise your ways just in case you are one of those people who can only sing by sounding like they are crying.  

The story of my neighbor. We have been neighbors with this girl for the last one month. She is the typical melancholy, one with whom you can barely strike a conversation with, that girl that glories in staying in the confinement of her solicitude. Apart from the habitual greetings in the morning and evenings nothing ever goes on between us. Every one minds their business except on those days when I have to take my breakfast at home and I have to borrow her electric kettle. But of all the sorrow that comes which having such a girl as a neighbor, the mornings are the most torturous. Every morning she weeps in the name of singing ‘omutima bwegulwalala okwagala ngaguluma, gwo tonyige nti oba oguwe kudagala guwune. Ogwange mulinga omujudde ebituli yi yi yi oooo wuwiiiii wuwiii. (When the heart gets sick of love, it hurts so much. For you cannot treat it or give it medication that it may be well. My heart is like one that has been pierced with wounds so deep yi yi yi oooo wuwiii wuwiii).’ Another time she will be like Omukwano gunyuma bweguba gutandika, naye bwegukula gumanyi okubowamu, ate bwegutama buba bugumikiriza, omukwano lubanga luyimba ahhh ahhh ehhhh wuwii wuwii. (Love is great when it has just kicked off but when it grow it starts to bore and when you get fed up of love, it is only patience that can keep you in there, love is like a song ohhh ahhh ehhe wuwiii wuwiii). She goes and on crying out Samalie Matovu’s chorus.

My part as the caring neighbor. Being the caring neighbor and attentive listener that I am, I suspected that this girl’s heart must have been pierced so deep in her past relationships that it was literally bleeding. Otherwise, there was no reason why a sane daughter of the man could wail so much about love every other morning. So, I asked her out for a date and luckily enough she accepted to tag along. The date was strictly (I swear) for the purpose of making this girl feel good about who she is and may be get to understand that she is also capable of being loved because honestly, from the way she always cried, there was definitely a lot of love that she needed to get from guys like me. As usual, that day, to get the tit-a-tee rolling, I asked for her hobby and she was like- singing. I love singing so much. I guess you have heard me sing in the bathroom. What! Singing in the bathroom! You must be kidding me, I thought to myself. Singing or crying in the bathroom? I almost asked. I was beaten.

The moral of the story. To cut the long story short the moral in the story is that before you imagine that what you do in your bathroom every morning is singing, find out from your neighbor whether it really is what you think. Otherwise, stop wailing. 

50 , 30 or 27 years? Someone is fooling us about Museveni’s time in power

Guys, His Excellence Yoweri Kaguta Museveni has been around for fifty years. Just in case you were complaining that the man has been around for too long- 27 which when rounded off to the nearest tens makes it 30 years, it is time to wake up. According to Museveni, in response to bwana Tinkasimire who was complaining about his alleged “over-stay” in power, 30 are the years he has spent in town. He spent some twenty years in the village fighting to come to town which in total makes it fifty years.

Now I know many of you thought over that statement and it just did not seem to make any sense in your minds. The fact that the NRM day celebrations were moved from 27th to 30th January for whatever reason means you will even think about this more. But that is why I am here struggling to write this. I want to open your eyes to the real truth behind the statement on which I have mediated for close to a month now.  

We shall start with an exposition on the statement concerning the allegation of spending “20 years in the bush and thirty years here in town.”  Now it is pertinent that we understand that asking Mzee to leave power is literally sending him out of town back to the bush and which in my little understanding would mean going back to the village because the bushes of this world only exist in villages. So what Museveni was trying to say is that tada mukyaalo and which resolution I support. No one wants to come from the village and go back there. If you think I am lying ask Judith Babirye why she sang that song Omukisa gwa Mukama and why she particularly includes those lyrics concerning her determination to stay in the city mbu “ekibuga ssikyifuluma nedda (I will not get out of town no matter what)”. And it is not only Judith Babirye but there is also another guy called Cobby Bly who sings and says “Sidda Mukyalo, wadde Kampala nge egganye” I will not go back to the village even if things fail to work out here in Kampala. Yet, how can I speak of all these people and forget my man Red Banton in his famous Nemeddeko track in which he vows not to leave the city. I can go on and on even speaking of Ugandans who in their private conversations intimated to me their determination to stay in the city and never to return to the village from whence they came. So, who does Hon. Tinkasimire think he is to push a “whole” president back to the village?

May be I need to give more explanations on this matter. As far as I know Mzee has no family home in town except State House in Entebbe and he can only keep his stay in State House by keeping in power. Therefore, anyone who presents suggestions of him descending down the throne of presidency is technically sending him back to that village called Rwakitura to go and graze his cows in the bushes that side. And How I wish all Ugandans would understand this simple fact that the man is not about to just accept to go back to Rwakitura when he has been in town for thirty years.

The other aspect that I may need us to know about that statement is that there is someone fooling us. And the question is who is fooling us? One person tells us Mzee has been here for thirty years, the real statistics seem to suggest 27 years and when we hear from the horse’s mouth, it is something like “It is not 30 years, it is 50 years that I have been active. You are miscalculating.” So whose word should we take? I would rather we take Mzee’s word. I hope we all know that our Mzee is omniscient. He knows all things, even those things that we know not. Perhaps that is why he is the only man that God has blessed with a vision for this country. We had all been fooled to think that he has been around for thirty years kumbe the man has been around for fifty years. This, to put it, a little bluntly means that we are all fools and Mzee is the only wise man in this nation. Yes we are all fools. How could we have failed to figure out that Mzee has been around for more than thirty years if we are not fools? We have all been fooled by people like Tinkasimire and our eyes are blind to the truth. So, let us all wake up and know that this country deserves nothing better than Mzee, the fountain of wisdom, the discoverer of Oil, the Conqueror of the Bush Empire for we are all but fools. 

The next article will be an analysis on why the Ugandan Army should disband ouir parliament

How I started 2012, I survived being raped

Today will mark the end of the Seventh Month in 2012 and there is every reason for us to thank our God for thus far that he has brought us. Some of us had almost failed to make it to 2012 but some how we managed to hustle through 2011. On my part, I will never forget and will always thank God for that dark night of a certain day in December 2011 when I survived being raped by a gang of bu stupid girls in my village.

That night, a blanket of darkness had engulfed the village and the village seemed to be comfortably snoring under it.  As usual, given my nocturnal tendencies, I was up and about.  I happened to have been swept off my feet by some belle that lives in a neighboring village and I would conduct all the business concerning that daughter of a man in the night. In our village, the tradition is that we always run afterpeople’s daughters during the wee hours of the night since we spend most of the day time either grazing cows or tending gardens. So after a hard day’s work that is when we move around doing all sorts of crazy things.

Thus it was while I was strolling along a village path that the most unexpected happened. All of a sudden, seven girls sprang from the darkness and rounded me up. When I asked what they wanted, they were frank enough to tell me that they wanted to rape me. Can you imagine! It is an abomination for a woman to rape a man. That is when I felt like the gods in my village must be crazy to plant such stupid ideas into the sane heads of young girls. Now when we talk of women raping men, some of you will argue that a woman cannot rape a man and that some men would simply consider it a blessing if they ever ran into an ambush of female rapists. Unfortunately, even the penal code provisions on rape do not envision scenarios of ladies raping men. I also used to argue until I heard some stories that were flying in from Zimbabwe about a cluster of female rapists that were on rampage that side of the world. There was I in an ambush of the same kind. I quickly thought of a way of getting myself out of this. And I started by putting in a defense of being a virgin. I bargained with these ladies by claiming mbu I am a virgin and therefore was not ready for what I was about to be forced to do. But they simply replied, “Our dear Zakaria we too are virgins. So do not think that you are the only one that is not ready for this. We too are not ready but we also have nothing to do”. 

I immediately looked for another way out and as a result I requested them to allow me tell them some stories before they went on with their hideous plans. Fortunately they were willing to listen to my stories. I told them about a king called Mswati II and how that king is so blessed that every year he is always presented with virgins of all sorts to choose from for his marital consumption. I then told them that being threatened by rape by “seven beautiful virgins” made me feel like King Mswati II. I told them how I was feeling flattered by their efforts to rape me. But then, I suggested that it would be better if they allowed me choose just one of them to rape me since if I were to allow the seven of them to rape me most likely I would die in the process  and they would all lose me. Yet they still needed me alive.

Fortunately this suggestion achieved its intended effect for I had released it to divide up the enemy’s seven- woman army. Indeed this wrecked havoc in the enemy’s camp as they started fighting against themselves, disagreeing to agree or agreeing to disagree on whom amongst them should do the desired job of raping me. Soon a bloody fight had ensued in the camp and the girls started exchanging words. It was not long before; two of them were rolling in the dust wrestling each other. I would have stopped the fight but I also had to save my dear life and get back to my place of abode.

The trials of a young man who has just fallen in love

First and fore most I would like us to note that the title of this article was supposed to be “The trials of a young man who has just genuinely fallen in love for the first time in his life” but I had to edit it such that it would not appear to be a very long title. I would have wished this article to carry a title as elaborate as that but the rules of fine writing dictate that titles of written work should not be so elaborate. Therefore I was left with no option. I also do not like it when we have to follow such rules, sometimes without questioning but any way enough of the ranting, let us get to the gist of the matter.

It starts with abundance. It all started when I was getting various advances from all kinds of ladies on this planet. In Uganda we call that okubeeera ku katale loosely translated as being on market. I was surely on market but the most unfortunate thing is that I thought all this abundance would last forever and so I squandered my chances. I treated those girls; well to me it was not as bad. But according to the stories that they tell their friends, that I only get to know through unfounded rumors, I am told mbu  I treated them in the most terrible way a guy can ever treat a girl on this planet. Mbu I was insensitive to their feelings and just took them for granted. So that is how I lost it all.

Then the suffering begins. Yes, one morning I just woke up and realized that I was single and searching. It was painful to be confronted with that reality and I remember, I cried (as in seriously). I could not imagine I was back exactly where it had all started. And then I resolved that Ngenda Mumaaso (I am moving forward). No turning back. This was a brilliant resolution but it meant I would lose out on all the beauties that I had dilly dallied with in the past which was a painful thing for me because I still needed at least one of those babes. Man. But anyway I still managed to go forward. My face book status changed, people commented and I moved on. In other words I became officially single.

The suffering continues. At first it was this girl. I had a crush on her. I went over to tell her what’s up and she was like Zakaria you are joking!!! The girl, yali tandabawo. (She just ignored my bu moves.) These days it seems like she is hooked up but that just makes things worse for me because when I put in my request for love, I did not completely lose hope. But now that she is hooked I am forced to lose hope as in forever.

It now turns into agony. Though, I had not completely lost hope concerning that other girl that ignored my moves, I did not get discouraged from looking else where for greener pastures. Meanwhile, there was another girl who had always enchanted my soul but apparently she was already hooked up and I could not just have my way in. I was a secret admirer. Then all of a sudden, recently, I just leant that something happened and she is also single these days though not as available if that is what we are supposed to decipher when a girl says that she will not be getting into a relationship any time soon. But I was like wapi! I have to put in my CV for consideration. You never know! That culminated into sleepless nights and a very brilliant idea. Post it up on Facebook that you are a secret admirer of this girl and pray that she comments. She never commented. So I had to think of an alternative plan. I had to attack directly kama mbaya mbaya (come what may). I launched my attack on a Tuesday night and this is how it went.

Me: (Obviously stammering) I love … you Dorothy (not real name).

Dorothy: I love you too…

Me: (I am stuck. I do not what to say but she continues)

Dorothy: I love you as a brother in Christ and as a friend…

Me: (I am pissed. For heaven’s sake this girl should have known that if I had wanted to tell her that I love her as a sister in Christ, then I would not have called her aside for a private chat. I feel like punching the girl but then I remember that that would kill my chances completely.) I donno… but you know what I mean Dorothy. I love you as some one I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Dorothy: Okay. 

Me: May be… May be you should…give me some ideas on how I can get you.

Dorothy: You have my number. We are friends on Facebook and what else…you have the wrong email address but I will give you the right one soon.

Me: (By now I am so confused, perplexed and very angry)

Dorothy: (Starts walking away)

Me: Please do not walk away before giving me a straight answer.

Dorothy: I will get back to you when I get a straight answer.

Later I call and we fix an appointment to talk more about my issues and this girl tells me she cannot love me beyond the fact that we are friends. And she gives those fake explanations that girls usually give when they turn down our offers of love.

And then she asks why I love her? Inside I begin rioting for if she is not interested in my love then why ask me such a question. Of what essence is it? But any way I give the answers.

And now the need for some help. As you can see I have been tormented for genuinely falling in love with this girl and though she said no, I want to keep believing but I am looking for a reason to believe and I just cannot find any. So that is where you help is needed. Please tell me that my case is not as bad and may be in future things can change. Please make me happy and tell me what I want hear.

Dump her with swagg

If you are a lady, there is no reason as to why you should continue reading this because most likely you are going to get angered. And yet I do not want to upset you for no good reason. Similarly if you are a decent gentleman, I strongly feel that you too should not read this because most likely it will contaminate your admirable values. And yet I do not want to be held responsible for contaminating your values. For the kids, it will be simply abominable for you to read this. I do not even need to tell you that you should not be reading this. You simply ought to know.

Therefore, this information is exclusively meant for spoilt chaps that are above a certain age. I will not be specific concerning the age because the age at which someone becomes a man varies from one culture to another. So as long as you think you a man and spoilt enough to listen to some silly man-talk you can go on and read.

Having said that, I am convinced that I can now freely say whatever I want to say. If you are a lady or decent gentleman and you are still reading on up to this point, then I have no option but to tell you that if this annoys you or contaminates your values; Shauri Yaako. And if you are a kid and still reading, I can only say you deserve some serious strokes of a corporal cane. In other words, I am talking to you stupid kid “Stop reading now or I will kick the hell out of your butts!”

 

Okay let me leave that stupid kid alone and tell you what I want to share with you wamma the spoilt chaps of this world- just a few tricks on how to dump a woman. Please my brother listen carefully because by the time you are reading this I am sure that most likely you have dumped or been dumped by a daughter of a man at one point in life. And if you have not, most likely you hope to dump or be dumped by a woman in future.

So, here are some ideas on how you can dump her in style.

First and foremost if you are going to dump a woman, please ensure that you dump her before she dumps you.  Because if she dumps you before you do, you will be the looser and we shall all be like…shame upon you big boy!

But then even when she dumps you before you dump her do not just let it lying down and do nothing about it. There is something that you can do to make yourself the winner in this. For instance you can tell her that even before she thought of dumping you, you had already determined in your heart to dump her and so you are glad that she too decided to dump you.

The other way could be by trying to win her back and as soon as you win her back you do the needful and dump her. But note that if you do this you run the risk of being made more of a looser just in case you fail to win her back. And that is why there is every reason for you to dump her as soon as you win her back because once beaten twice shy. A person that has dumped you before will always have the potential to dump you again. So the earlier you dump her before she dumps you again the better.

And above all every time you dump a woman please do it in the most demeaning way possible. Make sure it makes it all like you are the most important human being on this planet and let it look like she is the most abominable thing that has ever happened to you.

But remember the more you ‘dump women in style’ the more likely it will become for you to ‘be dumped in style’ yet that is not meant to discourage you, silly chap from dumping them in style. Go ahead follow my silly advice.