Zakaria is searching and he wants a slender sugar mummy

My name is Zakaria  a.k.a Zaake, Zakayo or any other name that you may baptize me with in an attempt to twist my not so beautiful name. Just for the record I am not in any way related to or even a descendant of the legendary Zakaria Kisingiri of the 1900 agreement fame and neither am I related to the famous Zakayo of the Zoo. I am just Zakaria a simple man with a simple profile: single, a hunk and searching for a sexy and gorgeous Sugar Mummy.

I am well aware that some of you when I talk of a sugar mummy, you envision but a huge piece of a wrinkled woman meanly cocooning in a relatively inadequate Premio and peeping with lustful eyes at young and endowed campus boys through a tinted window. Now that is not the kind of sugar mummy I am searching for. Era if you are that kind of sugar mummy and you are reading this with hope there is no reason why you should continue reading this. The last thing I can ever stand is to date a babe who is not portable. Not even when she is a sugar mummy. To be honest I need something portable.

The Sugar Mummy of my dreams should be that small, slender and sexy babe with boobs as youthful as those of a teenager; standing straight on her chest like two mangoes and pointing at me like they are about to shoot me down. Obviously, some Sugar Mummies will complain since most of their boobs are no longer anything to write home about. But then whether they complain or not, I do not give a shit about what the hell their complaints are. They should remember that we are not so many hunks in this country and so this is probably the best offer they can ever get from a hunk.

Besides, there are so many boob fixers in and about Kampala and any Sugar Mummy worth her salt should find no problem employing the services of some of these self styled boob fixers. They can do just anything with boobs ranging right from enlarging them to sizes of udders of Dairy cows to reducing those that are the size of udders to the sizes that I cherish. And please do not ask me how, just go to those guys and have those large boobs of yours fixed before you can ever dream of having hunks like me in your bosom.

Therefore, just in case you are a sugar mummy and have the kind of boobs that I cherish, whether natural of fixed just contact me through my email. But then just a word of caution, just in case I find out that you have viruses like some of your colleagues that are looking for young men to share their viruses with, I will not hesitate to slaughter you and send you to hell with your viruses.

Idle and Disorderly

For a silly young man like I, there is nothing new under the sun. Nothing new: absolutely, apart from the beauties that I keep ogling at every other day when I pass my time sitting here in front of my Muzigo.

  

In fact sometimes I am tempted to think that this country is cursed in all other aspects apart from that aspect of being endowed with amazingly pretty daughters of Eve.

They are so many in this country and they keep swaying their hips within the vicinity of my eyes as if they are not aware that I am largely an idle son of a human being. 

Now that they have failed to recognize that fact, I have also decided to ogle at them until they get some sense in their nuts to know that I am also a human being of idle flesh and hot blood running through my veins.

Look at that one with her boobs, Oh my God! They look like two oranges tucked under her blouse. I am going to whistle to her and summon her for a serious quiz. I should ask her why her father was such a serious joker to have given birth to a lady with such gorgeous boobs.

Ehh, Eehh! Ate see another Madam that is swinging her gyrating bums, like that is all she has to do in this world. I have to beckon her here such that I can find out whether the best thing she can do with her bums is swing them like there is no tomorrow for them.

But then I am supposed to be working at this time not feeding my eyes on the nutritious menu of God’s beautiful creation.

Sometimes I feel like this country is the best that one can ever leave in. Honestly in another country, trust me; I would be in prison by now for being idle and disorderly. But then I am not sure whether that offence exists in the penal statutes of some of those countries.

We can talk n talk but can we do the walk

I believe you have heard that ka song in which some musicians claim mbu some people in this country will talk n talk n talk…and that some people talk but they can’t do the walk? There is a way I believe some of our brothers in the opposition must have been inspired by that ka song to start up that controversial business of walking to work.

But then the talk in this article should have nothing to do with politicians and their walk to work. For that matter let me shift my line of conversation. I am one of the few Ugandans that “can do the walk ”. In other words I can really walk long distances. So the other day I was walking to Kamwokya (though you should not mistake me to be that bad man from Kamwokya). I then received this surprise call from some sweet voice. And so I inquired about who the hell was the owner of such a sweet voice only to be shocked when the voice quickly snapped “Angela”. I also spontaneously replied, “Owewa (where from)?”… and just on the other end of the line again the sweet voice crooned “Nansana.”

Now I know that looks like a naked lie, doesn’t it? And you must be asking that question “Okakasa?” to find out whether I really mean what I am saying. And to that I have no option but to say, “I swear”. Besides, sometimes I simply like to talk n talk n talk paka last. Okay let me shift to another story where I did the walk. The other day I met this other girl whose name is Carolina. Now Carolina is the girl that I went to school with in 1997. And akin to the story of the Carolina that you may have heard, I found this Carolina doing some crude business in the wee hours of the night (Please do not ask me what I was doing at that time of the night because I am not ready to talk n talk n talk about that foolish business). I just want you to listen. Anyway when I expressed my concern over her plight and wanted to assist her and marry her out of her misery ( in other words do the walk down the aisle with her) she simply told me to mind my own business… these days is it called okuwujja one’s kasepiki.

And so I have been trying to okuwujja my kasepiki until some lady recently asked me out. She promised me heaven on earth in terms of love. Honestly I thought I had landed into things (Ngude mu bintu). Naye, not long after that I realized she was simply after my Mafalanga and nothing else. But then luckily enough for the few years I have spent on this planet, I have so far failed to click a healthy relationship with cash and that is how I managed to survive. When I survived I sang for her a verse “muwala nkugude mu oyagala cash olabika tomatira (Oh babe I have realized you are simply after my cash and you do not really love me)”. In other words she could do the talk n talk n talk of love but could not do the walk. Since these days I have heard of “Enkola ya Boda” I simply jumped off that Boda Bee and resumed my usual business of doing the walk.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

Meet Uganda's most profilic striker of the year

This year (2011) has been one of striking in this blessed curse of a country called Uganda. Apart from me I think every Ugandan has in one way of the other participated in a strike the teachers, the doctors, the traders and wanainchi have all striked at one point this year. I will not mention the lecturers of Makere University because that is kind of usual. Thus I have also decided to strike now that the year is drawing to a close lest the year escapes away and goes to wherever it intends to go without me striking. It is not that I want a bigger pay for this stuff that I write or that I have any grievances with my employers. Neither am I going to do this just to murder a few human beings here and there like the various lightening strikes. It is just that I feel like striking.

I want to understand, comprehend and fully appreciate what this whole concept of striking means. Given that my strike will basically be about exploring the satisfaction that there is in striking, this is what I am going to do when my strike finally commences. I will enter my boss's office with a heavy whip and strike some sense into his butt or nut for that matter. After striking him seriously, I will quit the job and look for a job elsewhere. Most likely, few employers will be willing to employ me since jobs are scarce these days. But then, I am not ready to go around begging for jobs when I can force some employers into giving me certain jobs. And one of those employers is none other than Bobby Williamson. I am going to tell him that I want to join the Uganda Cranes and specifically as a striker. If he refuses to allow me into his team, I will threaten him with a serious strike on his nut just to prove to him that I am a no nonsense striker. In other words I will remind him that I am capable of striking him to death if he insists on refusing me to join the team.

Besides as far as I am concerned the strikers of Uganda Cranes are not indispensable people in that squad. But he could also choose not to block me from joining the squad. If he does that, I will ensure that I perfectly do my striking job on the pitch. I will not hesitate to strike our opponents with serious tackles. And if the referee dares to give me a card; yellow or red whatever the case, I will also strike him with a few blows.

I am quite certain that my level of striking ability will raise dust and some players will begin questioning Bobby's acumen for having allowed me into his squad. Because of this, some of his players may decide to deal with the problem by striking and I will also strike them down in return just to remind them that I am a better striker than them. And so when I finally get tired of striking, I will just quit Bobby's team and get back to business as usual. In other words I will call off the strike.

Read about the various strikes that have happened in Uganda in 2011

Teachers Defy Government order continue with strike  

Lightening Strikes 40 pupils 

Be a potbellied hero and dine with the cocoon of eaters

In this country a potbelly represents quite a number of stuff. In some quarters like Katanga a potbelly may just be a symbolic representation of how addicted one is to the bottle or straw for that matter. Yet in some quarters of this country a potbelly is simply a symbol of bullion. So as a citizen of this country each and every one that wants to be identified as a loaded guy needs to curve his way around a potbelly. You either have it or you will be considered a pauper for the rest of your life. By the way it does not matter whether you actually possess obscene amounts of bullion or you are a pauper. As long as you have one, just know that some one out there will be suspecting you of being a loaded guy or big man in this government.

That is why every Ugandan citizen that has a flat tummy and has dreams of ever becoming a hero in this country should by hook or crook develop a potbelly. He should develop one because soon it could be the criteria that will be used to determine who the true heroes of this country are. Yes, I think that that the criteria of having to pick from those that went to the bush to fetch a fundamental change, will soon loose value. For instance I am quite certain that there will come a time when all those that went to that bush have been made heroes and then the focus will turn to those that have used the fundamental change for some constructive purposes. And that is exactly where I believe the potbelly will become the yardstick for determining some of the people that will get hero’s medals in the near future. Obviously it is evident that one of the constructive ways we can use the fundamental change that our brothers brought from the bush is by developing a potbelly.

Otherwise why do you think some of the people that went to the bush have spent most of the time since they left the bush feeding their bellies? It is simply to develop them into recognizable potbellies. Period. But then I am not suggesting that some of you go and stuff yourselves up with all kinds of local brew just to develop a potbelly because a belly that is developed by the sumptuous meals of Serena or Sheraton is surely different from one developed from the over consumption of a local brew like Malwa or Ajono in Katanga. The potbelly that is developed from a generous supply of sumptuous meals is usually proportionate to the large size of the owner whereas that of a Malwa addict tends to appear so huge on the most likely skinny caricature of the owner.

So just in case you always missed out on being declared a hero in this country, it is not all lost. You could try out this method and may be it could become the reason for you to receive a hero’s medal a few years down the road. And that could turn out to be the only opportunity you will ever land in life to dine with the cocoon of eaters in this blessed curse of a nation.

ztiberindwa@gmail.com

Heaven Prayerphone Network

Just in case you are interested in the Heaven Prayerphone Network you have to use one model of phones called "Prayer 311". The batteries of these phones are rechargeable and but with faith which only comes by connecting to the power that flows through the electrons of the word of God (Remember that biblical adage that faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God).

Besides you do not need to purchase any airtime because all that was paid for in kind by Jesus Christ when he shed his own blood on the cross back at Calvary.  For those that need further details on how to use "Prayer 311" you can contact the Holy Spirit whom I am told is in charge of customer care. In other words he is in charge of helping most of us that cannot effectively use Prayer 311 such that we can use this phone to greater effect in getting connected to the network.

One of the most amazing aspects about Prayer 311 is the fact that for ages now, it has always managed to transform those that effectively use the phone into holy people over time. Yet we all know that those that die with this amazing transformation of holiness still evident in their lives always manage to win a fully paid trip to paradise. And later at the end of time they will be rewarded with a crown of glory by the Chief Executive Officer of the Network, God the creator of heaven and earth. Such people are given free citizenship status in his glorious kingdom.

Just in case you had not yet joined this network, I would rather you secured your place on this network now. Fortunately you will not have to struggle with the network by climbing trees, anthills or even peoples' buildings. It is as simple as kneeling down wherever you are and you will be connected.

Yet, above all that is the fact that this network has new concepts in phone networks and is not only "everywhere you go" like MTN Uganda but also "too good" like Airtel Uganda. But even then it is "all about you" like Uganda Telecom and you can "talk paka last" on this network in the manner akin to what you do when you are on Warid Telecom Uganda.