Meet Uganda's most profilic striker of the year

This year (2011) has been one of striking in this blessed curse of a country called Uganda. Apart from me I think every Ugandan has in one way of the other participated in a strike the teachers, the doctors, the traders and wanainchi have all striked at one point this year. I will not mention the lecturers of Makere University because that is kind of usual. Thus I have also decided to strike now that the year is drawing to a close lest the year escapes away and goes to wherever it intends to go without me striking. It is not that I want a bigger pay for this stuff that I write or that I have any grievances with my employers. Neither am I going to do this just to murder a few human beings here and there like the various lightening strikes. It is just that I feel like striking.

I want to understand, comprehend and fully appreciate what this whole concept of striking means. Given that my strike will basically be about exploring the satisfaction that there is in striking, this is what I am going to do when my strike finally commences. I will enter my boss's office with a heavy whip and strike some sense into his butt or nut for that matter. After striking him seriously, I will quit the job and look for a job elsewhere. Most likely, few employers will be willing to employ me since jobs are scarce these days. But then, I am not ready to go around begging for jobs when I can force some employers into giving me certain jobs. And one of those employers is none other than Bobby Williamson. I am going to tell him that I want to join the Uganda Cranes and specifically as a striker. If he refuses to allow me into his team, I will threaten him with a serious strike on his nut just to prove to him that I am a no nonsense striker. In other words I will remind him that I am capable of striking him to death if he insists on refusing me to join the team.

Besides as far as I am concerned the strikers of Uganda Cranes are not indispensable people in that squad. But he could also choose not to block me from joining the squad. If he does that, I will ensure that I perfectly do my striking job on the pitch. I will not hesitate to strike our opponents with serious tackles. And if the referee dares to give me a card; yellow or red whatever the case, I will also strike him with a few blows.

I am quite certain that my level of striking ability will raise dust and some players will begin questioning Bobby's acumen for having allowed me into his squad. Because of this, some of his players may decide to deal with the problem by striking and I will also strike them down in return just to remind them that I am a better striker than them. And so when I finally get tired of striking, I will just quit Bobby's team and get back to business as usual. In other words I will call off the strike.

Read about the various strikes that have happened in Uganda in 2011

Teachers Defy Government order continue with strike  

Lightening Strikes 40 pupils 

Be a potbellied hero and dine with the cocoon of eaters

In this country a potbelly represents quite a number of stuff. In some quarters like Katanga a potbelly may just be a symbolic representation of how addicted one is to the bottle or straw for that matter. Yet in some quarters of this country a potbelly is simply a symbol of bullion. So as a citizen of this country each and every one that wants to be identified as a loaded guy needs to curve his way around a potbelly. You either have it or you will be considered a pauper for the rest of your life. By the way it does not matter whether you actually possess obscene amounts of bullion or you are a pauper. As long as you have one, just know that some one out there will be suspecting you of being a loaded guy or big man in this government.

That is why every Ugandan citizen that has a flat tummy and has dreams of ever becoming a hero in this country should by hook or crook develop a potbelly. He should develop one because soon it could be the criteria that will be used to determine who the true heroes of this country are. Yes, I think that that the criteria of having to pick from those that went to the bush to fetch a fundamental change, will soon loose value. For instance I am quite certain that there will come a time when all those that went to that bush have been made heroes and then the focus will turn to those that have used the fundamental change for some constructive purposes. And that is exactly where I believe the potbelly will become the yardstick for determining some of the people that will get hero’s medals in the near future. Obviously it is evident that one of the constructive ways we can use the fundamental change that our brothers brought from the bush is by developing a potbelly.

Otherwise why do you think some of the people that went to the bush have spent most of the time since they left the bush feeding their bellies? It is simply to develop them into recognizable potbellies. Period. But then I am not suggesting that some of you go and stuff yourselves up with all kinds of local brew just to develop a potbelly because a belly that is developed by the sumptuous meals of Serena or Sheraton is surely different from one developed from the over consumption of a local brew like Malwa or Ajono in Katanga. The potbelly that is developed from a generous supply of sumptuous meals is usually proportionate to the large size of the owner whereas that of a Malwa addict tends to appear so huge on the most likely skinny caricature of the owner.

So just in case you always missed out on being declared a hero in this country, it is not all lost. You could try out this method and may be it could become the reason for you to receive a hero’s medal a few years down the road. And that could turn out to be the only opportunity you will ever land in life to dine with the cocoon of eaters in this blessed curse of a nation.

ztiberindwa@gmail.com

Heaven Prayerphone Network

Just in case you are interested in the Heaven Prayerphone Network you have to use one model of phones called "Prayer 311". The batteries of these phones are rechargeable and but with faith which only comes by connecting to the power that flows through the electrons of the word of God (Remember that biblical adage that faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God).

Besides you do not need to purchase any airtime because all that was paid for in kind by Jesus Christ when he shed his own blood on the cross back at Calvary.  For those that need further details on how to use "Prayer 311" you can contact the Holy Spirit whom I am told is in charge of customer care. In other words he is in charge of helping most of us that cannot effectively use Prayer 311 such that we can use this phone to greater effect in getting connected to the network.

One of the most amazing aspects about Prayer 311 is the fact that for ages now, it has always managed to transform those that effectively use the phone into holy people over time. Yet we all know that those that die with this amazing transformation of holiness still evident in their lives always manage to win a fully paid trip to paradise. And later at the end of time they will be rewarded with a crown of glory by the Chief Executive Officer of the Network, God the creator of heaven and earth. Such people are given free citizenship status in his glorious kingdom.

Just in case you had not yet joined this network, I would rather you secured your place on this network now. Fortunately you will not have to struggle with the network by climbing trees, anthills or even peoples' buildings. It is as simple as kneeling down wherever you are and you will be connected.

Yet, above all that is the fact that this network has new concepts in phone networks and is not only "everywhere you go" like MTN Uganda but also "too good" like Airtel Uganda. But even then it is "all about you" like Uganda Telecom and you can "talk paka last" on this network in the manner akin to what you do when you are on Warid Telecom Uganda.

Crushed by crushes

I have been “crushed” so many times that if those incidents had been physical I would be but a deformed piece of dry and flat Atapa (millet bread). Crush number 1 was in my primary school on a daughter on of a Muteso. That girl was so angelic that every time I dozed off in class I would dream holding hands with that beauty and walking down the aisle. But then when I left primary school my dreams were severely shuttered when the world threw her to bounds I could hardly tell.

Yet, the other day, I found her on face book and …oops I had a crush. By that time I was nursing wounds of having been crushed by some gorgeous lady on this planet. Every time that daughter of a Muganda and I bump into each other somewhere in town I would just feel like sleeping because then, I would be assured of sharing the best of moments with her in one or two dreams.

But Even when I was crushed by that daughter of a Muganda, I had been nursing the wounds of a crush inflicted by a daughter of a Musoga at my work place. I had even tied the knot with her. I swear I had even tied the knot with her in that dream that was rudely interrupted by a knock on the door from my neighbor.

That is why I dislike this whole idea of being a bachelor. You could suffer from an endless streak of crushes if you are not careful. And amidst it all, you keep hoping to avenge for the crushes by marrying the ladies responsible for your crushes.

One day you come across a girl with beautiful eyes and you begin seeing a mother of your children in her eyes but before you are done with that you meet another girl with amazing hips. You then vow to your ancestors promising to ensure that those hips give birth to your children come what may. But then before you honor your promise you bump into another with lovely breasts and that is when you decide that your children deserve to be fed on milk from lovely breasts. By that time you have been crushed left, right and centre and wondering when you will get out of that silly world of crushes. But then you remember that you can write an article about all that and so you write it.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

Uganda’s detestable ghosts to vie for political offices

The first time I got really threatened by a ghost was back then when I was still in high school. I was in one of those schools in Jinja and it is called Kiira College Butiki I remember the name of that ghost was Whiteman. Whiteman was the last thing any student could ever desire to meet on the school compound in the wee hours of the night. Some of us feared Whiteman so much that even during those nights when nature called us out so loud we stubbornly refused to answer nature’s call lest Whiteman uses that opportunity to waylay us and inflict damage on our souls. The truth of the matter is that up to now, I do not know whether Whiteman actually existed or some people simply made up this whole thing of Whiteman.

But then though I really feared ghosts like Whiteman so much during my high school days, I no longer fear ghosts as much these days. And the reason is simple; they are so many ghosts around us that it would simply be a waste of time for us to purport to be so scared of them. At first we were told of ghosts that had been recruited in the army. I believe they must have recruited these ghosts to fight Konyi because by then it was hard to perceive that Konyi would be defeated without any supernatural intervention.  Soon we heard of ghosts teaching pupils in UPE schools. But then what is more interesting is that some of the pupils that were purporting to get free education in these schools were also actually ghosts.

Now I am told that some ghosts have even registered as fuel Companies. Can you imagine! So, I will not be surprised if some of these ghosts start running for political posts for example vying to become Members of Parliament. Or even I believe that one of them could end up running for the highest political office in the country. And I have little or no doubt that if a ghost campaigned to become a president in this country, it could easily win the presidential seat. It can easily win the presidential seat because at least it will be assured of winning the votes of its fellow ghosts who I am told sometime constitute a good percentage of the voters in this country. It can then garner a few votes from here and there to beef up its crack support. And surely with that the ghost will end up securing a landslide victory. 

This story is also published in Uganda's No1 weekly the Sunrise newspaper

Get more of these from Zak's Awkward thoughts

From the war drums of Sierra Leone comes an award winning “Memory of Love”

Animatta Forna's first book

Aminatta Forna was born in Glasgow and raised in West Africa or to be precise in Sierra Leone, a country whose pathetic history provided the needed inspiration on which Aminatta depended to publish her award winning book “The memory of love.”

The Memory of love won the prestigious Commonwealth Writers Prize 2011 in the category of the Best Book.

The judges praised The Memory of Love for its risk taking, elegance and breadth.

“It is a poignant story about friendship, betrayal, obsession and second chances and an immensely powerful portrayal of human resilience.” The judges said in praise of the book.

 “The Memory of Love delicately delves into the courageous lives of those haunted by the indelible effects of Sierra Leone’s past and yet amid that loss gives us a sense of hope and optimism for their future.”

Yet that is not just the only Award Winning book that has been written by the triumphant writer from Sierra Leone. Her first book, The Devil that Danced on the Water, was shortlisted for the Samuel Johnson Prize 2003.

the picture of Animmatta Forna

Her novel Ancestor Stones was winner of the 2008 Hurston Wright Legacy Award, the Literaturpreis in Germany, was nominated for the International IMPAC Award and selected by the Washington Post as one of the most important books of 2006. In 2007 Vanity Fair named Aminatta as one of Africa’s most promising new writers.  

Aminatta who leaves in London with her husband has written for magazines and newspapers, radio and television, and presented television documentaries on Africa’s history and art.

The other winner in the competition was Craig Cliff in the category of the Best First Book: A Man Melting

Craig Cliff, a government worker, was born in Palmerston North, New Zealand in 1983. Cliff is a graduate of Victoria University’s MA in creative writing and his short stories and poetry have been published in New Zealand and Australia. His short story 'Another Language' won the novice section ofthe 2007 BNZ Katherine Mansfield Awards.

In Another Language Cliff explores a young narrator’s connection to his Serbian grandfather, his friendship with a Maori boy and the act of stuttering.

His first published collection of short stories, A Man Melting, gathers together his prize-winning and published short stories, as well as some new works. These 18 stories examine all of the big questions of life - birth, infancy, adolescence, violence, parenthood and death.

The judges chose this highly entertaining and thought provoking collection of short stories for their ambition, creativity and craftsmanship.

“Confidently blending ideas that frequently weave outlandish concepts with everyday incidents, the prose is skillfully peppered with social observations that define the world we live in.” The judges extolled the collection.

“The eighteen short stories are truly insightful and amplify many of the absurdities around us, reflecting our own expectations, fears and paranoia on the big questions in life.”

“This book is of the moment, and is rightly at home on a global platform. Cliff is a talent to watch and set to take the literary world by storm.”

The characters in these stories look for ways to reconnect with people and the world around them whilst Cliff examines complex issues such as alienation and belonging.

The winners of the 2011 Commonwealth Writers’ Prize were announced in Sydney in an exciting climax to this year's final programme on 21^st May 2011.

For the last 25 years the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize has played a key role in unearthing new international literary names, bringing compelling stories of human experience to a wider audience.

As highly acclaimed international authors Aminatta Forna and Craig Cliff will follow in the footsteps of some of the biggest names in modern fiction in winning the Prize, including Louis De Bernieres, Andrea Levy, Ian McEwan, and Zadie Smith. 

For the fifth consecutive year the Macquarie Group Foundation, one of Australia’s leading philanthropic foundations, is helping to advance one of the most prestigious literary prizes in the world. With Macquarie’s support the prize has grown to reach more people around the world, encouraging wider reading across a range of Commonwealth cultures and rewarding the rising talent that other prizes often overlook.


Related stories on the Commonwealth Writers Prize


Sierra Leone Story wins Commonwealth Writers Prize

Is the Commonwealth Writers Prize biased?