To be or not to be a gentleman

Sometimes I pity daughters of men that dream of meeting gentlemen on this planet. To be sincere there are not so many gentlemen on this planet. Or at least to be specific on this continent that belongs to African sons of men. Obviously some of these ladies more so campus chics will watch some of those actors sijuyi a certain Salvardo or Antonio pulling a chair for a one Barbarita in soaps and then expect African men like I to do such silly things.

For heaven's sake those soaps are acted and ultimately not anywhere near to reality. In reality, some of these ladies will meet silly young but African men like I that do not give a damn about being "gentlemen"

I mean, how can a young man like I that was brought up believing to be superior by default bend as low as pulling chairs for ladies in the name of being a gentleman! I that was bred in a village; where all I could do was sit in manner akin to the proverbial village chief swinging my legs like I owned the world, whistling away and picking my nose when I felt like...I simply cannot. Yet, I can assure you that at one point I shall have some of these young ladies swinging their skirts around my soul and desperately yearning for my hand in marriage.

I know that even when I refuse to take up the exaggerated beliefs of some of these young women for instance those that claim mbu eating with our naked hands is not a classy venture, I shall still have some of them running after my soul.

I am told even some of the extremists among them expect us to use forks and knives as weapons of food destruction when munching things. Kati Honestly, I have never thought of any other method of mercilessly munching a thing like a chicken thigh other than that method that requires the use of my naked hands.

Then, I hear of things like chopsticks. With those ones. I do not think some of us will even ever learn how to use them.

Naye, that is not to say that we cannot pretend to be gentlemen. Obviously as soon as we realize that the only way of netting some of these damsels in this world is by acting to be gentlemen, we shall surely act as perfect gentlemen like some of those actors that they watch on Television. Yet as soon as we net these ladies we shall go back to our old ways after all old habits die hard. Wamma isn't that so all the African men out there that were never born to be gentlemen? And if you feel me and my Jazz simply say aye.

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By Tiberindwa Zakaria

When they are single, Christian and heading to hell

"My name is Brother Zakaria Tiberindwa a.k.a Musumba Zaake...My status...umm...deeply hooked to a cantankerously gorgeous babe." Obviously such a powerful intro will be followed by a heavily chorused exclamation of "Ehh Maama!" and loud musings of "Oba who is that ka lucky babe?" from the multitudes that do not know about that thug of a woman that stole my heart.

But then the problem is when it comes to their turn to introduce themselves. You will find brothers that will claim to be "in love with Jesus Christ" and sisters that are "engaged to our lord Jesus Christ." For heaven's sake, we too are "in love with Jesus Christ" but also "deeply hooked to gorgeous daughters of men.” There is a way some of these single brothers and sisters want us to think that they are nearer to God than we are.

We all know that when Jesus comes back he is coming back for his pure and undefiled church. I am quite certain that that will include brothers that are hooked up. He has no plans to take to heaven only single brothers that barely know what the hell they want on this planet; or single sisters that are fantasizing about “engagements” with our lord. 

May be, we would excuse these sisters for dreaming of being engaged to Christ if they were Muslims because at least then we would know that Prophet Issa or the Jesus we know will come at the end of time to get married to one of them since he died a single man like some of them. We would excuse them given that in the world of Muslims it is believed that Prophet Issa will come back to get married.

Yet after giving such fake and silly intros at events, they will then begin accusing and counter accusing one another: sisters clamoring sijuyi "Brothers are SLOW" and brothers grumbling mbu “the sisters are RELUCTANT."

Kati Brothers and Sisters, here is the conclusion of the matter. In this world of unmarried Christians there are two things involved. You are either in a relationship or you are single. If you are in a relationship it is okay but if you are single there are two things involved. You are either single and contended or single and searching/available for the case of our sisters. 

If you are single and contented it is okay but if you are single and searching/available there are two things involved. You either say it openly or you keep fooling us around. If you say it openly it is okay but if you keep fooling us around there are two things involved. You will either become frustrated and shut up when you realize that it is not us that you are fooling but yourself or you will become frustrated and begin blaming the sisters or brothers for your predicament. If you become frustrated and shut up it is okay but if you become frustrated and begin blaming the brothers or sisters for your predicament, there is only one thing involved. You will most likely end up in hell.

By Tiberindwa Zakaria 

Uganda's leading Opposition candidate Dr. Kiiza Besigye could turn out to be a sumptouos sausage

I could not believe it. I swear, I could hardly believe it when Mzee promised to eat our brother Kiiza Besigye and his opposition companions like "Cakes and Samosas." I always thought it is only those burgers in the August House of this country that love eating cake and Samosas but wapi even Mzee enjoys eating some of these things. However what mesmerized me more was the fact that our president also enjoys eating human flesh anti he talked of eating Kiiza Besigye.

Naye..kati...when our dear Mzee Kaguta finally decides to eat Besigye, is he going to just roast him..as in eat him as Nyama Choma or is he going to eat him live...as in raw? He could also decide to have him prepared as a boiled meal of human flesh for him but I would rather he seeks the help of meat experts such that he can have the best out of Besigye's human flesh.

Let him consult them. Other than eating Besigye as raw meat or Nyama Choma or as a meal of boiled source, instead he should seek the help of meat experts such that they can assist him make sausages out of Besigye's human flesh. Honestly, I strongly believe Mzee Yoweri must have had human-flesh sausages in mind when he was talking of eating Besigye like cakes and samosas because we all know that just like those two, sausages are always a breakfast delicacy.

Yet this will also help our dear president stand out. We all know that his ministers and parliamentarians are always munching beef sausages like that is all they have to do during their tenure of office. So how different would Mzee Yoweri Kaguta Museveni be if he also fed on beef sausages just like all the other political burgers of this country? He needs to stand out and there is no better way than for him to be the only man in this country that feasts on human-flesh sausages for breakfast after all he is the only man with a vision for this country.

But again we could also look at the fact that in the recent years Besigye's physical outlook and health has been slowly but surely improving over time and so it is quite wise of Mzee to have thought of eating Besigye at such a time and not earlier when some buffoons in this country accused the innocent man of being HIV positive. I am sure there would be no better opportunity than this to eat Besigye's flesh because at such a moment like this one his flesh would make relatively more sumptuous sausages. Don't you think so?

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

This Article is also published in my weekly column "Zak's Awkward Thoughts" in the Sunrise Newspaper

Besigye could to turn out to be a sumptuous sausage

Tricks of winning Ugandan Voters

You might wonder what pulls the crowds when a politician is "making his points". I have had a lot of fun during the on going campaigns and elections in this country.

In Mbarara, while at a rally, one politician said,"I will build roads for you, I will plant new forests...." and it all seemed like it was not a joke until he broke my lungs with laughter when he deceptively added "I will build dams for you so that you can fish and make your own power." One of the people in the crowd asked,' "We do not have rivers, how will you build the dams?" The politician answered then answered "Even the rivers...i will provide, just give me your mandate.." The Ugandans clapped and eventually gave him votes.

Another scenario, still in western Uganda..some staunch NRM guys convinced people that if they voted for the bus, the bus would be used to ferry the then incumbent candidate in the presidential race, Yoweri Kaguta Museveni away...they did as told. Drama ensued when while tallying..Museveni was winning..they began to fight claiming that they had voted for the bus to ferry Museveni away which turned out not to be the case...

Another stunt that I liked was in Bugerere where there was a Campaign. A young lawyer who was contesting to represent his people in the august house as a Member of Parliament had his game well planned. While at the open air campaigns, the incumbent MP gave his speech and got seated. Now it was the young lawyer's turn...he bravely took stage and with him had a photograph of the incumbent MP dozing in parliament...this was his introduction...you need someone sober for this county...someone who is alert...someone who doesn't doze...one of the people asked..do you have any evidence of anyone who dozed in parliament..the young lawyer could not hesitate but pull out the incumbent MP's photograph...the crowd went in a roar...this was not enough for the incumbent MP. He stood up in rage and went straight to this young contestant and punched him before the public....the public went into a maze and decided not to vote for a chaotic and dozing incumbent MP. The next day, every one lined up to vote for the young lawyer and he won with a landslide...hummm! what a move!

See related Articles on recently concluded Elections in Uganda

Mzee's rap and how music led Mzee into the hearts of Ugandans

Written By,
Michael Aboneka Jr.

A dance to the gates of hell

I danced that day. My legs were all rattled up and my bones were ready
to shake to the legendary Ntogoro (The Banyoro cultural dance). I had spent the previous night  awake and kicking, rehearsing and practicing for that dance. I
am quite certain I never danced as well as to have been noticed by
most of the people in that hall while I was up on that stage but at least I am
privileged to have been noticed by one of the few beautiful daughters
of men on that university campus. She came to me after that dance and shyly, in
her soft sweet voice whispered to my lustful ears "I never knew you
could dance that well".

Oh my God! I almost burst with unquenchable excitement as I for the
first time had received a genuine compliment from a beauty on this planet.

"How could it be! How could it be that of all people on this planet it
is this ANGEL that had appreciated my dancing abilities?" I questioned
my excited and unsettled self.

I knew she had fallen for me at least from the way she spoke and I hope we all know how hard it can be to resist advances of a gorgeous daughter of Eve. Deep in my heart I knew it was impossible for me to give resist her advances; at least that was what my instincts told my soul because her presence consumed me so deeply that night as we descended into a sweet conversation. By that time my mind had seized reasoning as rationally as I always expected it to and it was being fooled by the heart. For the first time I appreciated that scripture that talks of the heart being deceitful above all things

At that time, she seemed to me like that old serpent that had come to entice and lure me into eating the forbidden fruit. But that was only an illusion: in reality she sat just besides me; enjoying every moment of our conversation and waiting for me to suggest for the next course of action. Obviously at that time, the most probable course of action would be to go for a night out. The body was willing but the spirit
objected strongly even reminding me of how it was necessary for me to flee from sin in such tempting moments.

Due to this inner battle, I failed to suggest the next course of
action as soon as she would have wished me to and that is when she run out of patience. She then decided to blurt it out without fear or favor.
"Zak I know you are a committed christian but can't you just escort me for a dance tonight. I would really love to dance with you. You danced so well on that stage and I cannot wait to dance with you."

I knew I had placed my soul between a rock and a hard place. "How could I have accepted my soul to be driven right up to the gates of hell?" I questioned my confused self. However I had to find my way out of this place or else I would end up right into hell.  I quite suspected that her suggestion for a night out was akin to an exciting journey to hell in the company of a murderous but gorgeous Angel and it is then that I gave her the excuse that I was so tired to go with her for a dance but I tried as much as I could to dress this excuse with such amazing sweetness. And when I had convinced her, I then wanted to throw a peck unto her soft chic but before my lips committed that abominable sin, the spirit intervened and commanded them not to do that and that was when I decided to turn the other side and sprinted off. She followed me trying to ran after my soul but before she could catch up with my soul that was actually fleeing from sin I woke up from my slumber. It was a new day, a day after the cultural Gala at the university I attend. Since it was a Sunday , I had to prepare and go for church such that I would learn more about how a son of man can flee from sin and how a young man can keep his way pure

By Tiberindwa Zakaria

I paid for grand pa's sins of wife beating

The other day my grand father was narrating to me how he used to
wallop my grand mother during the days of his youth and intimating to
me how he believes slapping and kicking a woman here and there not to be
something as wicked as many people of this generation think it to be.
I swear I was so baffled that I pulled my chair closer to eagerly
listen to those extreme assertions of my grandfather as he unleashed
more astonishing tales about how he used to thrash his wife without
fear or favor.

While he was narrating about his aggressive escapades with grand ma, I remembered these groups of activists whose billboards are ever discouraging us men from beating the daughters of Eve claiming that beating a woman is what is called domestic violence. So, I decided to inquire for the opinion of grand pa on this matter and whether he is
not aware that beating a woman these days is taken to be a cardinal sin and even some people in this era call it domestic violence.

His wrinkled skin contracted, his eyes brows raised to let his eyes look like they were about to pop out and yelled at me “My son, do not be stupid, I have also heard of that stupidity- the so called domestic violence.”

At that moment shivers had already started running down my spine for I believed my inquiry should have exasperated the old man. However to the relief of my soul he managed to cool down as soon as I would have wished him to. As soon as he recollected his wits he changed what was supposed to be a narration of his whipping antics into a lecture on wife beating and why it should never be associated with domestic violence. He began by reminding me that I am a grown up man who should not be influenced by the opinions of activists to determine what I should do with my wife. He added that besides sometimes beating a woman is a means of showing love to a woman and that even the women know this.


He told me that for instance that at one time he had taken a few months without sharing some slaps and kicks with my grand mother and my
grandma put up a serious protest claiming that he no longer loved her as he had always before just because he had taken some time without thumping grand ma. This was unbelievable but the old man continued with his lecture and assured me that that was the day when he vowed never to take such a long time without walloping my grand mother just to let her stay assured of his sincere love. He then explained that in his marital life, him and grandma used not only to share gifts, hugs and kisses but also a few occasional slaps and kicks and that is why their marriage stood the test of time.

He then concluded the matter by telling me that besides beating a wife being a means of showing love to our female counterparts, it could also be looked at as just simple wear and tear in a relationship or home not domestic violence because that is too hard a phrase to be associated with such a simple thing like wife beating.

Being the wise fool that I am, I was tempted and indeed took the advise of my grandfather seriously. So when I got back with my sweetheart at home, the first thing I did was throw a hot slap at her soft chic when she angered my soul. The next thing I knew after that was that I had been put behind bars for battering a daughter of a man. I could hardly believe but I was there anyway and that is how I realized that old men are not always right; that may be in this modern day and era, we should not take some of their archaic opinions on some matters like domestic violence as seriously as we always take most of their other sometimes pathetic opinions.

See related article on wife beating

UAE: Spousal Abuse never a "right"

By Tiberindwa Zakaria